Award Tour Vol. 4: If You Try Hard Enough

Little Rock to Oklahoma City:

Was probably more exciting than the trip from Nashville to Little Rock, but I can't say for sure... I was asleep for most of it. I base my assessment on the fact that the trip from Nashville to Little Rock was like solitary confinement in a moving cell, and it's just hard to imagine that Little Rock to Oklahoma City could be any worse.

Considering the inauspicious beginning of our trip (the I-75N delay, the gas tank homicide, "The Stank"... all things I've written about in previous blog entries, all things you should have read if you have any hope of sitting at the cool kids table at lunch) it's difficult for me to say that our trip took a turn for the odd... because this implies that the trip at some point was normal. So after due consideration I guess I'll go with, "our trip was about to take a turn for the more bizarre"... that wording should satisfy legal.

Now... there wasn't much on the side of the roads (dead or alive) in Oklahoma (at least not while we were driving through it). Not sure why that is, and not sure I want or need to know why that is, but that's what I remember. To my recollection the shoulders of the interstate were universally empty. That's what made the hitch hiker stand out, even from a long distance. An animated object on the side of the road? All the way out here? And it's not a car? How does that happen? How does anyone even make it this far out on the road as hot as it is out there?

Even from a distance I could see the dude standing with his thumb out. Maybe his last ride hadn't gone so well and they decided to part ways in the middle of the interstate. Who knows, but he was soliciting every car that rode past...

...actually correction. He held his thumb out for everyone but us. As we approached, his hand went conspicuously in his pocket and his face knotted up in a glower that I would ordinarily interpret as, "@#$% you" as we drove by. If that seems crazy to you too, then Track 9, Disc 2, HIStory album...

you're not alone... I am there with you...

The first reaction of my rational mind was to make this all rational. So I'm questioning if I had actually seen any of what I thought I saw. Did he really put his hand down? No that would be insane. Right? I sat forward a bit in my chair to look at the hitch hiker through the side view mirror. And as we drove on I saw his hand come away from his side and outstretch with thumb extended. He is now back in the hitch hiking business and Elvis has officially left the building...

The conversation that my mind had with itself went a little something like this:

So wait a minute? Is the Hitch hiker boycotting us? Did I see that correctly? He's boycotting us? Did I just take a slip stream into an alternate reality where beggars are now choosers? I just can't wrap my arms around this. What exactly makes us unsuitable for the man who has NOTHING?

So yeah how do we explain this? Was it because we were black? I certainly hope not. I know we're not a colorblind society but we are still a capitalist one, or at least one that still subscribes to "Game Theory" (the cooperative kind). And I have to think instinct trumps ideology when push comes to shove, and hitch hiking in the middle of nowhere in high noon heat is push coming to O Goshi (… you know… O Goshi… the name for the Judo hip toss, try to keep up people). But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he just doesn't want to ride with black folks. He did take a long hard look at us, there was definitely some reckless eyeballing that went on. He definitely saw us, and we definitely saw him. Of course if this is motivation for his boycott, this would needlessly add a data point to a study that's already been concluded called: Racists are idiots. In fact this one would fall smack dab in the meat of the bell curve.

(Program Note: seriously racists are idiots, not because of their ideology, but because of their inability to form tenable logic to support any of their ideas, including the racist ones. When you come across a racist, you almost certainly have come across a person who knows that logic will never support their position, so they rely on bias to paint the world they want to see.)

Now of course there are several other explanations too. Like for example, we were riding in a U-Haul. Not the sexiest thing on 4 wheels. Maybe this is a hitch hiker with vehicular standards. The logic there doesn’t quite close all the way, but sometimes logic doesn’t get a vote. There was also the possibility that he assumed there was no space. In fact it was a 3 person truck cab and there was space, but could he really tell that from the shoulder of the road? Who knows? And you know what? Who cares? I’m tired. He’s the one on the road slowly turning into beef jerky. He’ll have to explain his logic to himself, not me. I have a ride. Salutations. Oh and one more thing…

Oklahoma City to Amarillo:

…this leg of the trip was kind of a foot note. Cause nothing happened. Just flat a$$ land. I swear you could stand on one end of Oklahoma and see to the other end of Texas if your vision was good enough. Oklahoma is flatter than the computer screen that you're reading this on. That's why I couldn't understand how so many people had gotten caught in speed traps. How was this possible? I mean, if I could spot a hitch hiker more than a mile off, how were these people not seeing police cruisers? Seriously, were they parking the cars underground and pulling out onto the Interstate Batman style? It’s the only thing that makes sense. As best I could tell you'd almost have to TRY to get a ticket out here. However, let the record show that, (as is the case with most things in life) if you try hard enough ANYTHING is possible.