Award Tour Vol. 6: Medium well

Flagstaff to Las Vegas:

The sun is up and it's time to roll. Because most of our trip had been conducted at night I hadn't realized how hot and windy it was in Arizona - but after driving through there during the day time I'm beginning to believe there is only one place that it is hotter - but of course I've never actually been to the center of the earth - so I can't be certain on this.

That said, let me just tell you that the winds in Arizona are a phenomena, to the point that it really should be recognized as more than just the wind, it should be made the state mascot or given a key to the city or something; cause it was on another level. And with no mountains to block them or break up their momentum, they came tearing across the highway to challenge the assertion that your motor vehicle was best operated on the paved road (and in your own lane). Wind seemed to think that the opposing lane and the shoulder of the highway were just as good. While I'm on the topic honestly I’d like to know if Kenmore, Maytag, or Whirlpool has ever been successful in selling a “washer’ AND a “dryer” as a set in Arizona. That’s a serious question. It’s hard for me to believe that they ever have. Why would anyone buy a dryer when they get this wind for free?

After struggling with the gale force winds on the plains of Arizona, we cross the border into Nevada and approached our destination - Vegas. And even though this seems like where the story should logically end - you remember who it is telling this story (me) and remember my track record when it comes to things like this (bad) and thus realize "it couldn't have been that easy"(and it wasn't). We were driving to the rendezvous, the rally point, the place where we were supposed to be meeting up with Tre's friend - let's call her "Marcy".

Background:
Marcy is a resident of Vegas (or at least that's what her marketing team would like you to believe). When we were just outside of the city limits of Vegas, Tre called to get directions to her house (he actually had the nerve to think that this would be routine...). To get a reference of where we were, she asked us for a landmark, so naturally we responded by giving her the name of the nearest exit off the highway.

She doesn't know it.

So we go a little further and give her the name of the next exit.

She doesn't know this one either.

So we go a little further, fighting through burgeoning traffic and give her the name of the next exit - and guess what – yeah - she doesn't know this one either (starting to see a pattern here? Starting to see a problem here?) I did mention that there was only one major highway system that goes through her city right? No? Ok, there’s only one major highway system that goes through the city. So riddle me this Batman, why can’t she figure out where we are?

You know what? Nevermind, let’s just work with her and get this done. A can-do attitude is half the battle right? (No it’s not. It was a trick question. You never once heard G.I. Joe say that… G.I. Joe said knowing is half the battle, and hell in this case knowing would be all the battle, 3/4^ths of the mission, and 42.8% of the war.) Anyway instead of relying on unfamiliar land marks like street names (sarcasm intended) we started naming buildings, stores, restaurants, car dealerships, and hotels – none of which she has heard of, none of which she could find on a map, none of which she could use find our position. The only thing we didn’t try to use as a landmark was the sun, and at this point I’m doubtful that she could locate that. I’d like to tell you how the rest of the conversation went between Marcy and Tre on the phone, but somehow my narrative description just doesn’t feel like it would do it justice. So instead, let’s do a reenactment of the call.

Ladies & gentlemen, The “Tom Foolery Theater of the Insane Arts” is proud to present to you, an original stage play adapted from the Straight-to-Video release called: “Tre Gets All Up In Yo $h!t” starring Tre as Tre. The curtain opens and the scene begins with our protagonist engaged in a pitched battle against an insurmountable foe. His nemesis: ignorance. The dialog begins:

"Ok I’m not understanding, you haven’t heard of any of these exits?"
Bzzz Bzzzzzzz Bzz Bzz
"I’m not making the names up, that’s what’s on the road signs”
Bzz Bzz
"I told you... we're on highway 93. It comes off of I-40 directly to Veg-"
Bzzz Bzz Bzzzzzz
"What?"
Bzzz Bzz Bzzzzzz
"No - highway 93 -"
Bzzzz Bzz Bzz Bzzzzz Bzzzz Bzz Bzz

"No - highway 93 -"
Bzzzz Bzz Bzz
"Well what other major roads do you have besides I-40 and 93 -"
Bzzzz Bzz Bzz Bzzz
"Then how do you not know what I’m talking about?”
Bzzzz Bzz Bzz Bzzzzz Bzzzz Bz

"Hold for what?"
Bzzz Bzzz Bzzzzzz Bz Bz Bzzzzz
"Huh? What?"
Bzzz Bzz Bzz
"So wait a minute you're asking somebody else how to get to your HOUSE?
Bzz Bzzz Bzzz Bzzz Bzzz
Are you seriously telling me you don't know how to get to your own house?"
Bzzz Bzzz Bzzz
"Marcy do you really live in Vegas?"

The last question is a direct quote, delivered here to you verbatim. It was sincere, and I understood exactly where it was coming from. This back-and-forth exchange between Tre and an alleged resident of Vegas was unacceptable. And it went on (much to my dismay) for several more minutes. I’m not quite sure how the rest of the conversation went, since I was slowly phasing out of real-time civilization and descending into a blinding "Postal Worker" rage. They are really testing my patience right now… and my patience never studies for its tests, EVER.

After driving for 5 scorching hours on the wind whipped road, after braving the gale winds and reaching Vegas at a slightly inopportune time (rush hour)…

…after struggling to maneuver through traffic in a U-Haul with less acceleration and handling than the "Love Boat", the only thing that I want to hear is, “you’re right around the corner sir, your leather recliner, your wide screen t.v. remote control, and your steak will be ready when you get here”. Granted, she never actually promised steaks, or even promised to cook for that matter, but that’s beside the point. I never promised to be patient sitting in Vegas traffic while she struggled to figure out the her own city of residence – we’ve renegotiated the contract as far as I’m concerned. So yeah I’ll have mine medium well with a loaded baked potato… and have SportsCenter on when I come in.