Award Tour Vol. 18: Nerves of Steel

Friday Night

So it’s Friday, and I’m tired, but dammit I’m determined to have me some fun. I know need to go ahead and cut my hair (so as to look presentable for the entire weekend) so I pull out the trusty clippers and go to work.

Bzzzzzzz… Bzzzzzzz… BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ


Oh boy.

Ohhhh boy. I know that sound – that's the sound of a man, working on having a really bad hair day.

(Break)
Those of you who have cut hair before may know, that you can tell how much hair you’re cutting by the sound the clippers make. The short and even sounds? That's what you want to hear. This is reflective of the fact that you are cutting the hair evenly. The loud and abrupt buzz? You don't want any part of this one. This is indicative of the fact that you have cut deep (and probably wide) when you didn't mean to cut deep or wide.
(Unbreak)

With my eyes closed, I strike a pose similar to the “thinking man”. I spent a brief moment trying to convince myself of the impossible – that the clippers hadn’t actually cut that deep – but who was I kidding. I heard that buzz. I felt that tumbleweed of hair fall down my forehead into the sink. I know what it meant. Closing my eyes would not going to erase that patch I just cut.

I sit the clippers down and take a look in the mirror… can this be fixed? Can I even it out?BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ no I cannot. But I can do the next worst thing. I can give the deep and wide patch I cut on the left side of my head, an evil twin on the right side of my head. I can do that fairly easily it turns out. And so I put the clippers down. Clearly my work is finished here (unless I'm actually trying to cut a checker board in my head... in that case I have like... 3 more patches to cut.) I'm tall. Maybe people won't notice. It's not really what I wanted, but it's not going to grow back out while I'm standing here, and dammit it's Friday and I'm gonna have me some fun.

I take a shower and now I am ready to go somewhere, and do something, with somebody. My first stop was at Jillian’s (a family fun spot that has since been taken over by Dave and Busters) where you can go bowling, dancing, drinking, video game playing, pool shooting, comedy clubbing, all in one fine establishment. On occasion there are many beautiful women who will be out doing the same. This was not one of those occasions.

I don’t know if it was an off Friday, if there was some sort of "Attractive People" Strike going on or what but, the clientele just wasn’t there. In fact the longer I stayed, the more I drank, the worse it looked (it usually happens the other way around). Every now and then I would do a lap around the establishment, and with each lap, things just got progressively worse to the point where I wondered if maybe I shouldn’t just turn around and do the laps counterclockwise… maybe that would have the reverse effect (this is what happens when you're drunk and have recently watched Superman... don't front... )

I eventually left to catch up with friends of mine in Alexandria at an establishment commonly called “Fridays”. As college friends often do, we reminisced for like 10 or 15 minutes off in the corner. Then suddenly, on the second tier around the bar, people start standing up and getting off of their chairs. As though… as though… someone was about to fight. But surely this couldn’t be… I said we were at TGI Fridays – a reputable establishment one would think (I should have known something was off when I saw the 2 squad cars parked outside). Anyway, I walk over, cause dammit it’s Friday and I’m determined to have me some fun. If someone is going to fight in a “Fridays” on Friday, I’m not going to miss this.

As most fights do, this one started off with some "fu*k you's", followed by the customary "n!gga fu*k you". I can't see any of it, but I can certainly hear it all, and I know what comes next - cause there's nothing more to say at this point. If they really want to fight, the next sound I hear will be the crashing and breaking of glass the tumbling of furniture, and the cheers/screams of on-lookers.

Instead we were greeted with a second round of "fu*k you's" with an additional "we can do this" and "I'll whoop your a$$" and at this point I'm willing to bet money that I don't even have that we will see no fight tonight - at least not here with these two folks. This is the sort of pre-fight dialogue that leads to more dialogue and no fight. I see one of the would-be combatants being pushed back, down the stairs, out the door, and out of the establishment…

…by his girlfriend… with one hand. Yeah I know... dude wanted to fight so bad it took 1 whole woman pushing him back with 1 whole arm to restrain him. Without that juggernaut of a Security Force keeping him in check... there’s no telling what he might have done. Once outside his theatrics became almost larger than life. Wild eyed gesturing, pointing, screaming and frothing. By the time, some of his male friends came outside to quote-unquote “hold him back” he was pushing, shoving, and pulling away from people, clamoring for a fight that it was pretty obvious he didn’t really want; clearly the front runner for the Oscar at this point.

Not to be outdone, 5 minutes later the other would-be combatant came outside making an even more grand display. This man's histrionics reached brand new Olympic heights and was punctuated with a patented Hulk Holgan shirt tear and a plethora of "n!gga what's". It was brilliant, effortless, almost like he had choreographed it and practiced it 1,000 times in the mirror before actually doing it this night. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had. You win the Oscar hands down.

We'll overlook the fact that the shirt that he tore was so thin, it might as well have come out of a Kleenex box - it was the thought that counts. Besides, dude was so skinny, if it had actually been a "Hanes" or "Fruit of the Loom" T-Shirt he'd still be trying to rip his way out of it now as you're reading this. On the surface, the "Shirt Shearing" told us two things:

1. That he had obviously put more work into his craft as an actor, and
2. If he had gotten into a fight, he would've been the one to get his a$$ whooped

Perhaps he realized it. Perhaps it’s the reason that he issued his most venomous (and clearly unlawful) threats to his opponent, (who was already in his car and leaving out) in the presence of nearby police (who had done nothing to control the situation for over 10 minutes) - he had to know he’d be arrested… (which he promptly was) and that police custody was the safest place for him to be (and it was). He obviously didn’t want to fight either.

In the ensuing chaos, there was a lot of entertainment to be had. For example, there were the scores of people who attempted to skip out without paying their bill, who were literally run down by TGIFriday cornerbacks waiters out in the parking lot. There were the girls who were standing on table and chairs, in order to better see the “fight that never was” that gave us all a show of their own (even though I'm sure they probably didn't mean to). There was the old Middle Eastern man, who walked out of the building with both hands outstretched as he looked back into the building as if to say, “I’ve done it again. What? Are you not entertained? Is this not what you are here for?” I’m in the corner thinking to myself, what is all this about? What? Did he sanction this fight or something? Was this like a Pay-Per-View package he put together?

Finally it came time for us to leave, and now the police, who hadn’t done anything about the ensuing melee outside moments ago, now were brimming with swagger telling us we had to leave the property – as we were walking towards our cars, to leave the property. (Perhaps if we had acted as though we were going to fight each other we could have stayed longer). What a display of crowd control. You make no attempt to squelch the potential hockey brawl, but you somehow find the courage to ask people who are already leaving the premises, to leave the premises...

...I'm impressed. That must have taken nerves of steel.