Award Tour Vol. 15: For Any Reason

So I'm sitting in a conference room, at a table with 10 other people from various departments and engineering disciplines. We have gathered here today to get through this thing called life a technical meeting. Most of the technical leads are on the left end of the table, but Ernest (not his real name) who I presume called this meeting, is sitting to my right at the head of the table, leaned back in his chair, hand cupping the back of his head like he was on the beach… I don’t think he could be anymore indifferent to this meeting if he tried.

Me? I’m here… more than anything else I’m kind of tired, kind of hungry (which you may rightfully interpret to mean I'm only kind of paying attention to anything being said). Not that I was missing anything, when people start rattling off “scalability”, “vertical integration”, “enterprise framework” and a host of other buzz words that it’s obvious they don’t actually understand, the meeting is effectively a “wash”. Nothing of import is going to get done. I know it. You know it. The people saying the buzz words probably know it. So mentally, Exit Stage Left for me.

A few moments later, I’m scribbling in my notepad (trying to at least look like I’m engaged and interested) when I feel it… “the disturbance in the force”. The only way I can think to describe it, is the feeling you get when someone is doing something they have absolutely NO business doing. I look up from my notebook and scan the room from left to right. Is it someone in this room? The technical leads are still busy to impress one another.

I look to Ernest, and may my eyes someday forgive me for doing so… this chimpanzee was digging in his nose. Not scratching the edge, not rubbing the outside, but boldly going where no finger should go during a meeting. The same way you may not believe this as you’re reading it, I didn’t believe it as I was watching it. I even convinced myself that I couldn’t be seeing it.

He didn’t dig in his nose did he? Naw he couldn’t have. I mean cause he has his fingers in his mouth now and he wouldn't dig in his nose and then put his fingers right back in his mouth right? Right.

Logic comes in and restores order for the moment. And deep down inside, I knew, I should just look away from here on out… nothing good can come from continuing to watch him. Ernest is Col. Jessup to my Lt. Kaffee… I want the truth, but I can’t handle the truth. But since I can’t seem to sell myself on my own lie, I keep watching. And I guess Ernest took that to mean I double dog dared him to do it again.

So he did.

Except this time he upped the ante… he digs in his nose, extracts, and examines (as if appraising it) and then places it in his mouth.

Pick whichever expression of horror fits your needs best. What was truly crazy (as if this story isn’t crazy enough already) was, that the voices in the room did not fall silent. His antics met with no disapproval or acknowledgement. The meeting continued on as though nothing had happened - as though they didn’t see this dude at the head of the table just dig in his nose. And a “What the bloodclot?” goes right about here.

Apparently unsatisfied with the lack of outrage his first performance drew, Ernest decides to push “all-in” on the next deal. And what did he do for his encore, what outrageous act could possibly shock the crowd in a way that his last antics hadn't? This fool takes off his shoe, and his sock (yes at the meeting, at the head of the table where everyone else can see him) and begins to pick crust from between his toes.

Crust.

I provided a couple more there for you… there’s no rush, take your time and pick the one that’s right for you. I look around the room with an expression that can only be described as, “Really?” But no one responded. To a person, they refused to acknowledge anything that happened. It was like he had done this before and they just refused to go for the bait. The coup de grâce: having scraped the crust from in between his toes (much of which, it would be fair to assume, remained firmly entrenched under his finger nails), he then proceeded to the candy jar, rooted around for Peppermints (and by the way, none of the candy was individually wrapped) and begins to suck on it. To recap, that’s toe crust, boogie, boogie, and peppermint…

…honestly I’d probably have to grab screen stills from “Faces of Death” to find the expression that’s appropriate for this situation. There’s only so much you can ask of Google. I buried my head down in my notebook (if only to hide abject disgust) and didn't look up for the rest of the meeting. As chance would have it, this day would mark the last time that I opened any doors in the building with my bare hands or shook hands with anyone - for any reason - at work.