Award Tour Vol. 7: A Non-Contact Sport

Vegas Nights:

We've rested a little bit now. All Most has been forgiven regarding the early driving direction debacle (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, shame on you, go back to the blog entry before this), and after the hard work of driving here now it's time to play. And where is the best place to play in all of Vegas? If you answered “The Bunny Ranch” I see your vision and I like where you’re going with that, but no, the answer the judges were looking for was “The Strip”… yeah… “The Strip”

For those of you wondering what is “The Strip” let me start my 2 part response by saying

• You really need to get out more. Seriously.
• Wikipedia describes it as the stretch of Las Vegas Boulevard that is roughly between Sahara Avenue and Russell Road, a distance of 4.2 miles (6.8 km for you all who insist on living your lives in metric). However, the term is often used to refer not only to the road but also to the various casinos and resorts that line the road, and even to properties which are not on the road but in proximity.

And so that’s where we are now. Riding out on the strip in a drop top benz looking at all the landmarks; Circus Circus Casino, the Luxor, Caesar's Palace (so on and so on) - if it was out on the strip we saw it. As chance would have it we would not actually visit any of these casinos, instead we visited a place called The Venetian, a luxury hotel resort with a functioning river and gondola ride, and a bustling-bell-ringing-light-blinking gaming area.

I can’t even front, the functioning river and gondola ride was executive level pimping, in part because it was all indoors. If I was rocking a Bowler or a feathered Derby (hat) I’d have to tip it right about now. But that’s where my compliments begin and end. We hit a few slot machines and contributed to the economy of the tax payers of Nevada and after repeatedly saying “no whammy no whammy no whammy stop” while pulling on that one armed bandit, I worked up quite a thirst. By the way, those of you who didn’t get the whammy reference (i.e. those of your born in the year of our Lord One Thousand Nine Hundred and Ninety or later) google “Press Your Luck” and meet us back at the rally point.

You with us? Ok. So yeah, we’re thirsty. So we approach the bar. Enter “Tom Foolery” stage left.

Marcy: "What do you guys want?"
Tre : "do you have anything non-alcoholic?"
Bartender: "I have coca cola, sprite, seltzer water - "
Tre: "Let me get a coca cola - "
Me: "Yeah - let me get a soda too"
Bartender: "Sure could I see an i.d.?"

{brief exchange of confused looks}

Me: "No, no liquor, just sodas"
Bartender: "I understand - can I see your i.d.s"
Me: "For a soda?"
Bartender: "Yes".

{longer additional exchange of confused looks}

Marcy: “Why?”
Bartender: “Ma’am, this is a bar area”

{a third and final exchange of confused looks. Was that supposed to be the definitive explanation for it all? That this was a bar area?}

Tre: "I don't have my i.d. on me.”
Bartender: “Then I can’t serve you a soda.”
Tre: “Can you serve water?”
Bartender: "Sure, can I see an i.d.?"

{They let out a collective sigh and roll their eyes in exasperation}

Marcy: "Are you serious?"
Bartender: "Yes, Ma'am"
Marcy: “I don’t understand - it’s just water”
{Bartender hunches his shoulders and says}: “Ma’am, this is a bar area”

Marcy: “Why does he - nevermind - fine here's my i.d. just give ME two waters."
Bartender: "I can't do that ma'am"
Marcy: "Why not?"
Bartender: "Ma'am this is a bar area... "

So you know what I’m thinking right? Skynet has already become self-aware, and produced a prototype cyborg. And that cyborg is being field tested right here in Vegas, in the gaming area of The Venetian. Mind you, I can’t prove this because when I leaned behind the bar to see if I could view any electronic cabling inserted into the bartender's back I didn't find any. But that just means the machines are smart. They obviously opted for Wireless R/F control paradigm; pretty forward thinking on their part. I mean think about it: Same control, greater flexibility, and far less conspicuous. Well played Skynet, well played.

Do I feel like they could they have invested more resources into the cyborg’s pre-programmed responses? Yes. I mean “ma’am this is a bar area” is not exactly a responsive or pertinent answer – and repeating it just reminds us that it wasn’t responsive or pertinent the first time you said it. Anyway Skynet if you’re reading this (and you are) we know what you’re doing. We know you’re checking IDs at the Venetian trying to find John Connors. You’ll fail. He’s not in Vegas. You obviously haven’t bothered to watch your own movie series (and that’s really disappointing because it really is one of the better franchises).

As for the rest of you sentient organic based readers, you are duly forewarned, somewhere in Nevada, in a town called Vegas, there's a bartender that's plugged into the Skynet (via wireless modem) – and his sole purpose for existing is to log your I.D. into the Cyberdyne database. I’m not sure whether or not this will make it easier for them to kill you on Judgment Day, but you know what? Why take the chance? Bring a flask. Drinking should be a non-contact sport regardless of what Skynet thinks.