Award Tour Vol. 25: Things...

...I find annoying:

*******When, you go to the IHOP and get food to-go, the server not only is surprised but angry when you return to the restaurant, asking for another plastic bag, to the replace the one you have now which has a puddle of syrup at the bottom.

My Analysis:
Somehow, it does not occur to them, that pouring syrup into a cup without a lid, and then tilting it sideways in the bag had alot to do with it. Should I have assumed that you would do something so stupid? Hey maybe next time you can hide my orange juice in the bag too... I wouldn't expect that either.

*******That I can park my car, and open the door without hitting the car next to me... but the person parked next to me cannot do the same. It's the same distance... but he just can't figure it out - the math is just too hard.

My Analysis:
You know what? Don't even worry about watching what you do with your car door. From now on when I park, I'll just smash whoever's beside me pre-emptively. That way when you fling your door open like you were leading a jail break (and naturally hit my car) - we'll already be even.

*******That people don't bother to wash their hands after using the bathroom.

MY Analysis:
The reason why you can't look me in the eye, is because I was in the bathroom when you did what you did. I heard the struggle... I know of the horror.... it sounded like the Battle for Middle Earth... and I admit it, I was trying to get out of there in a hurry too (for all I knew you were about to explode). But I still washed my hands... and I didn't have the Gastro-Intestinal Civil War that you did. So I guess what I'm wondering is, "how can you face me day to day"? Aren't you ashamed at all?

*******People on highway's and interstates in the passing lane, not passing anyone.

MY Analysis:
The people behind you aren't driving slow because they want to... they're driving there because they have no choice... you won't move out of the way. You'll probably find this hard to believe, but we are not really happy with you driving 0.1 mph faster than the car in the adjacent lane. No really, see Newtonian Physics tell us that at your current pace, maybe after about 10 - 15 miles you will have inched forward far enough to finally pass the car next to you - whereas we're ready for you to pass it now - you see the conflict of interest? If you'd like to go 10 mph below the speed limit, consider driving on the shoulder - you can piddle to your heart's content over there.

*******People on highway's and interstates that don't want you to pass them - for no apparent reason.

MY Analysis:
Oh you know who I'm talking about, you've seen them. They're not like the people I described above. They're worse. The Slow Pokes are just slow drivers (that in an errant moment) drifted over into the fast lane - to live dangerously for awhile. They're not trying to block you, they just are for right now. When they do get enough room to pass the car beside you, they'll put on their blinker dutifully and move out of your way - it might be 10 or 15 miles from now, but they will do it. The people who won't let you pass are just a$$holes. As long as you're behind them, they're only too happy to impede your progress with unprecedented apathy.

Attempt to pass them, and suddenly they're willing to "Drop the Hammer" and hit speeds in excess of 95 mph on rain-slicked curves to keep you from getting ahead of them. And I guess I just want to know why? If you want to be an a$$hole, do it by using the toilet and not flushing it. Do it by, taking 49 items to the Express Lane Checkout. Do it by playing your music as loud as the Tympanic membrane in your ear can withstand at 11:00 at night. But don't do something that could get us both killed... (okay... that could get me killed). Cause here's the thing... if you stop to get gas or anything else, guess what? I'll stop too... and it's going to get very unpleasant for you from there on in.

*******Stores that have 21 cash registers, but only have 2 of them open, apparently unaware that thing stretching from the cash register to the back of the store was in fact, a line.

MY Analysis:
Do you NOT want people to come back? Yes Wal-Mart, I'm talking to you.

*******When the big boned ghetto fabulous sisters go to a movie outing

MY Analysis:
You are sitting on the opposite side of the theatre... should I be really be a part of your conversation from that distance? Do you really have to narrate the movie (at all) and if you do, does it need to be that loud? I understand there are some suspensful parts in the movie. You may initially jump. But do you have to hop up and down like you are trying to break free from a 5 point-harness seat belt? Should I feel my stadium chair being rocked off it's axis, as you clomp your hooves on the ground and howl like banshees in giddy delight?

*******When at the same movie outing, I am forced to partake in an impromptu session of the Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

MY Analysis:
My young caucasian gelflings - I realize that Jenny's treachery in turning Chad against Christy with what we can all agree were less than honorable methods, might seem like the most important thing in the world right now. If I shared your perspective and limited experience, I would probably begin, end, and punctuate my diatribe assailing Jenny's character with a never ending series of "Oh my God"s as well. But fortunately, I do not. In my age I have sense enough to know that Jenny will probably grow up to one day to be your boss, Chad is probably gay, and (what do you know), while you're auditioning for a role on "The Young and the Restless" there's a war going on in Iraq. Kindly eat your pop corn, and shut the %$#@ up.

*******That no matter what time I leave, and no matter how short a time I'm gone... someone always takes my parking space.

MY Analysis:
I just don't get it. I get a good parking space... and don't leave it until like 3:00 a.m. or something crazy like that to get something from 7-Eleven and come back minutes later and my space is gone? Help me to understand that. How is it that no matter what time I leave (morning, noon, night), there is always someone there to take my spot? Is there a special attaché assigned to surveil my car? Are they coordinating their attack on two way radios from the tree line, waiting for the moment that I move my car?

-"Shadow 1 to Ops, Shadow 1 to Ops, Subject in on the move. Chamber is empty, I say again, Chamber is Emtpy"

-"Roger that Shadow 1, acquire target and fill void, Over"