Award Tour Vol. 33: Things II

More things I could do without...

*******When I'm driving home for the Christmas Holidays, and I pass by an officer with his squad car parked along the highway, with sun glasses and dark gloves, holding a black pump action shotgun in the air like a S.W.A.T. officer preparing to "breach". He's not clocking anyone, he's just standing on the shoulder with a scowl on his face like a character out of Grand Theft Auto.

ANALYSIS: Is there any other image that conjours up the joys and emotions of Christmas, than a man standing menacingly in front of his vehicle with a shotgun the size of a crutch? Can't you see Tiny Tim exclaiming, "Merry Christmas, God bless us everyone"!!?

*******When people call and leave messages on my phone that make it sound as though it's imperative that I call them back, and yet when I do, they have nothing to talk about.

ANALYSIS: Let me help you out with something (because you are obviously confused). When you make a phone call like this, you need to understand that it's because YOU have nothing better to do with your time. YOU. Not me.

*******A distant cousin to people making unwarranted phone calls is, people making unwarranted visits by my desk when I'm working.

ANALYSIS: Again. YOU have nothing better to do with your time. YOU. Not me.

*******Dirty Sanchez, the Cleveland steamer, the Cincinatti Bowtie, the Pasadena mudslide, the Hot lunch, the Pittsburgh platter, and other dubious sex acts.

ANALYSIS: If you should hear anyone interested in any of the above... RUN. I just found out what some of them were (you can learn about them too, here ) and here are my thoughts: What is wrong with you people? Are you high on crystal meth? There are lots of things that go well with sexual activity. Topping my list are (in no particular order) : Music, videos (yes porn), video cameras, stripper poles, g-strings, oils, various food products, depo, and (if you should be so fortunate) numerous women. Conspicuously absent on my list is the word "$h!t". It should come as no surprise, as $h!t is a word that shows up on another list; things that go well inside a toilet bowl. Draw whatever conclusion you feel appropriate. (Hint: Smearing fecal matter on you for sexual gratification is NOT appropriate - I'm sure there's some prescription drug for that)

*******People who sit at green lights

ANALYSIS: This is a real simple one. Green means go. It doesn't mean sip your latte and extend the antenna on your cell phone, as you prepare to call your stock broker. We shouldn't have to wait for you to finish your day dream, or to figure out that you had the map upside down (so the road you're looking for is behind you) - you had 30 seconds of Red light to straighten this all out. Now the light's green. Green means go. Drive!!!

*******People who talk unnecessarily loud in their offices or workspace

ANALYSIS: Believe it or not, I actually don't want to be a part of your conversation - however you have given me (and everyone else within a 50 foot radius) little choice. We are participants in your mad man's game by proximity. Unable to avoid the painstakingly detailed account of your work duties (as you shout them at that unfortunate someone on the other end of the line) - we follow along . It is almost a certainty that the person on the phone hasn't asked for this treatise, but you'll give it anyway. You always do - so often in fact, that many of us are mouthing the words to your tirade along with you - we know it by heart too. That all aside, we are left to wonder out loud how it is you are able to maintain employment when you regularly curse out contractors, bad mouth co-workers, and make repeated suspect remarks to women employees of the company - that everyone in the surrounding area can hear.

*******People who covene meetings simply because they can

ANALYSIS: Other than your need to hold court with a "Live Studio Audience", there is absolutely no point to this meeting - and no reason for me to be here. It has not gone un-noticed that you haven't given an agenda... it's because you don't have one. Like a ship with no rudder, this meeting will meander along aimlessly until it runs aground or the crew simply jumps ship preferring to drown rather than to suffer any more of the "3 hour tour".

You should be aware that you are on the verge of initiating a very dangerous precedent. If you should call more meetings in the future, and have nothing to talk about, you will be marked with the Scarlet I - signifying Irrelevance. Pretty soon, folks will start blowing off your meetings (in the spirit of disclosure, I should tell you, I have already given you the "I". As far as blowing off meetings, I plan to start with the next one you schedule. This pattern will continue on for the forseeable future because I have concluded that you are obviously full of $h!t and that I can waste time at my desk much more efficiently on my own than with your assistance).

*******The "Show Off"

ANALYSIS: It doesn't matter if I'm at a meeting or in a training course, there is always at least 1. At least one person who must attach his own personal anecdote to every point brought up and every statement being made, beginning each with something like this, "you know... back when I worked at Spacely Sprockets...". There's always at least one person who must ask a question or discuss a topic that's completely outside the scope of the conversation, trying desperately to show the rest of us just how much he knows (it's almost as if you think we actually care).

Dude, I'm sorry things didn't work out on your Junior Varsity basketball team... tough break getting cut after the first day - but here - in this training session... is NOT the place for you to try to recapture your squandered youth. Shut up.

*******People who blow their car horns at others for frivolous and/or petty reasons

ANALYSIS: Blowing your horn is like giving someone the finger. It should be done sparingly and only when appropriate - like when someone endangers your life. Not merely when you are annoyed. Example, if I am making a left onto a street (where the speed limit is 15 mph) and you are coming in the opposite direction - if you have time enough to lay on your horn for two seconds before our cars even pass one another - ask yourself why are you blowing your horn? It wasn't a near miss, and you weren't in danger of being in an accident. Why all the histrionics? See accompanying Figures.



In Figure 1, you are blowing your horn because you have narrowly avoided what could have been an expensive (and even more importantly) a life threatening accident. This is, of course, not what happened. Figure 2 more accurately depicts my left- hand turn. And in this figure, you are blowing your horn for no good reason. I am forced to conclude that you are projecting. You're not blowing at me because I made a turn, you are blowing because the Toner Cartridge at work was low and you didn't get a chance to print that "15% off" coupon for an authentic Klingon Bat'leth before you left - and this is the last day of the Star Trek Convention. You gotta take it out on somebody right? I guess I'd be mad too.