Award Tour Vol. 41: Things III

*******The Mobile Forensic Examiner

ANALYSIS
Also known as the Crime Scene Investigator, these are the drivers that will inch forward in the one lane that hasn't been closed down, in order to document the accident that has occured. They don't have any official standing whatsoever; they are not affiliated with the crime lab or law enforcement in any capacity - this will in no way hamper their investigation. They will note casulties, positions of the damaged vehicles, and even postulate as to how the accident may have happened and how it could have been prevented all I they creep by at 1/2 mph (that they lack a solid foundation in Newtonian Physics is of little consequence - they will form their theories nonetheless as they roll by). Lucky you, you get to sit behind them as they do.

*******The Throat Clearer

ANAYLSIS
We don't need to know you have phlegm in your throat, but by God you will make sure we do. Your antics can be heard clear across the room above the loudest copier, fax machine, and paper shredder. You hark long and deep, and by the time you're finished, if you actually spit out a lung - right there on the floor - I don't think many of us would be surprised. You had to shake a few internals loose with the last heave. You probably should spit out an organ.

*******The blatant and persistent bias of John Madden and others when it comes to critiquing football Quarterbacks

ANALYSIS
How many bad passes does Brett Favre have to throw before you admit that he has thrown one? Not long ago, I watched him launch a pass 4 feet behind the receiver to which you responded, "the receiver ran the wrong pattern. He was expecting him to break at a different time and angle".

???

The only angle he could have broken on to catch that pass was one that defied Physics (or maybe technology has passed me by... can any of you all levitate?)

Once I saw him throw a pass that, only through a valiant effort, was the receiver able to even get a few fingers on as he lept several feet in the air... Madden's response, "oh he should have had that one. He has to help his quarterback out".

???

Yeah perhaps next time he should engage in better preparation for the game, like making sure the area is clear of Krytponite, that way - when a pass is thrown to you that only Superman can catch - you'll be able to make the grab and haul it in. 7 feet of the ground is not that much to ask you to jump is it?

On another occasion I watched Favre throw an interception, into what appeared to be double coverage. Madden's response, "that Brett Favre, he has a cannon for an arm. And you know what's good about him? He thinks he can make every pass"

???

Mr. Madden that's what's BAD about him. He thinks he can make every pass... and no quarterback can. When they try to, and end up throwing an interception into double coverage - most refer to that as a bad decision and/or a bad throw. I won't go into the number of twisting, contorting, acrobatic catches his receivers have made, where you credited Favre more with the throw than the actual reception - I just ask that you call a bad throw a bad throw... even when it's Favre throwing them. Especially when he's throwing so many .

Editors' Note: on the non-existent chance that Brett Farve is reading this, let me advise him(strongly) to retire - you have a ring, and you're going to the hall of fame - you've got no place to go but down - and with each interception you throw, that's where you go - Madden has interned at Fox News long enough to continue to spin the truth in your favor.

*******The driver who insists on making his right turn at 5 mph coming off the highway

ANALYSIS
Nevermind that there's a merge lane in which you can slow down so the rest of us don't have to, you will still bring your car (and the 9 or 10 cars trapped behind you) to a virtual stop as you attempt the oh-so dangerous right turn into the Applebee's parking lot. Thankfully, you will also put on your blinker so if there was any question as to why you have just logged jammed the highway, we now know... it's because you're going to Applebee's. That was the responsible thing for you to do - because - let's be honest - how many widows has that right-turn made over the last year? How many young lives have been lost to this vicious silent killer over the years? What? Like [counts silently] ...

... none?

*******The person that goes into the express lane with more items than the express lane allows
ANALYSIS
Aye look... I know you can count. I can too. We both know damn well you have a lot more up there than you're supposed to. Why all of a sudden you want to get creative? Any other day, you would count each individual item - AS an individual item. Today you're on that NEW math. Let me help you out with that. Just because you have 5 packs of the same kind of hot dogs, that doesn't mean it counts as one item. I don't want to have to wait behind you, in the EXPRESS lane (emphasis on Express), as you try in futility to negotiate your item total with the cashier who refuses to ring you up. Guess what? He can count too.

*******The tepid driver

ANALYSIS
Or as my brother Tre called him, "Old Man Cream Corn". He's just a man out driving in a city near you. He means no harm, but will probably inflict it nonetheless. He's not so much a bad driver as he is completely out of his depth with this new "horseless carriage" thing. The phenomena of locomotion - overwhelms and frightens him - and so he will be slow to react to everything. Green lights, on coming cars, merge lanes. Everything. Chances are he fought in WWI - so cut him some slack.