Award Tour Vol. 43: A Few Hundred Notches

So I'm stopping at Burger King to use a Gift Card that my mom got me (thanks mom - you're the best). I think this will be a straight forward transaction because - I do not learn from past mistakes apparently.

I go in with $5.00 Gift Card and peruse the menu. Seems the rising gas prices have even started to affect prices at Burger King. Combos are now in the $6 and $7 range. Man - for that much, shouldn't I get a free video rental or a lap dance or something?

As I'm contemplating what to get, I flashback to a commerical that Burger King is running for a new Sandwhich that seems like it was inspired by an intense case of botulism.

The promotion consists of a soundtrack presumably entitled "Big Bucking Chicken" that plays in the background while a man rides a cartoonish "Bucking Chicken" (in place of a Bucking Bronco) on some undisclosed ranch with open country as back drop. If you find this odd, you are not alone.

I'm willing to overlook the artist's interpretation of a marketing campaign, and try the sandwhich, only I don't know what it's actually called. I want to ask for the "Big Bucking Chicken" because that's all I remember from the commerical, but decide not to - my dignity is actually important to me also.

I scan the menu for this new sandwhich and then I spot it. The new BK Tendercrisp Cheesy Bacon Chicken Sandwhich.

I need to speak with the marketing group on this one right here and right now.

Burger King Marketing people - this is a bad idea. This sandwhich has way too many syllables. I'd like to remind you all who you're advertising to - lazy people. People like me, who don't want to cook, we just want a nice smooth transaction - nobody moves, nobody gets hurt. I saw your advertisement on t.v. - if a picture is worth a thousand words, a moving picture must be worth a million - is it really necessary for you to add a couple hundred more in it's official name? Do you realize the effort I have to put forth to order this sandwhich as a combo? Heaven forbid that I try to super-size it. Again, the reason why I am here at Burger King is because I'm lazy - why would I be enthusiastic about saying:

Could I get the-new-BK-Tendercrip-Cheesy-Bacon-Chicken-Sandwhich-combo-king-sized?

That's way over the top - getting through it feels too much like doing work. By the time you finish saying it all, there's a good chance you aren't even hungry anymore. And let's not forget the well-documented problems you all have taking orders at the counter (no matter how simple they might be). Both you and I know, no matter what, I'm going to step up to the counter and begin a run-on sentence that vaguely resembles an order, and mid-way (probably right at the Cheesy-Bacon part) you're going to stop me and have me repeat it from the top because you couldn't hear me clearly the first time.

There's alot I'm willing overlook on any given trip to Burger King. On this trip, I'm willing to overlook the managers duel for the title of "Greatest Bungling Idiot" as they attempted to cash out my gift card. I'd even say I was mildy entertained when they debated the math of my transaction:

Manager Scenario 1

$10.00 cash
$5.00 gift card
- $8.03 value meal
______________
= $6.97 change

Manager Scenario 2

$8.03 value mealcash
-$5.00 gift card
______________
$3.03 owed


$10.00 cash
-$ 3.03 owed
______________
$6.97 change

I'm guessing the two of you wouldn't have fought for Burger King Supremacy if you had known that both scenarios came out to the same amount in change. Your buffoonery amuses me for a little while.

But really this is all taking too long. Everyone who came in after me has received their food and they're on their way home. I should be too... but I'm not... no instead I'm repeating the blockbuster title of your sandwhich - and naturally screwing it up mid-way because it's too many words to get out cleanly. The degree of difficulty on ordering this sandwhich is too high. I cannot "stick the landing". I want you all to know... I am definently NOT having it my way right now.

I wonder, were you simply trying to distinguish this new chicken sandwhich from the other sandwhiches when you named it? Allow me to help you out here. Consider the old Video Game company Atari. They had a Game Console that many considered to be their base product. They called it the Atari 2600. Years later they came out with another system.

It featured state of the art technology brought over from the Atari 400/800 computer systems, incorporated game start/pause/and reset and a full 360 degree speed sensitive joystick. I guess they could have called it the Atari-state-of-the-art-computer-system-hybrid-incorporating-game-and-system-management-and-universal-speed-sensitve-controllers... but they didn't. They called it the Atari 5200.

This makes life easier on everyone. Consumers may not understand the significance of the new Atari Game Console borrowing from the existing Atari 400/800 computer systems... chances are they don't care either. All they need to know is it's better. How do they make their enlightened determination? Simple. Is 5200 greater than 2600? Yes... than the 5200 is better. You don't have to explain how.

Same thing for your new Chicken sandwhich. Don't make us decide that we don't really want the sanwhich by having to order: "the-new-BK-Tendercrip-Cheesy-Bacon-Chicken-Sandwhich-combo-king-sized?" That's making fast-food an academic excercise (and not a strong point for anyone on the premises - including yours truly). Just call it the Chicken Sandwhich 3000. It's easy to order and easy to remember. If you plan to improve even further on this sandwhich - you can avoid adding another needless adjective to an already epic description. Just bump up the number a few hundred notches (say Chicken Sandwhich 3300) and your problem is solved.