Zero-Center Theory

Oftentimes this blog is about funny stories from my past. However I am a bit of a philosopher at times and I wanted to share a discussion/revelation that I had a few years ago. Back in October of 2007, I entered into a debate with a friend of mine about the Christian God and whether or not He was real. As such conversations are often want to do, it coiled and twisted around, and across numerous concepts, arguments, counter arguments and analogies in one particualr instance, we happened upon the assertion that the Christian God was both beginning and end with my friend firmly disupting it. He employed the following analogy to make his case:

Quote:

You look at your existence as mundane. Finite. A beginning and ending. An Alpha and Omega. But in mathematical terms thats not practical. Tell me the first number? Or the last number for that matter? Hell it would take you an infinity to get from the number 1 to the number 2 as it is an infinite about of numbers in between the two.

The answer to the question (in bold) and the argument against his analogy came almost instantaneously. I had scarcely finished reading the challenge when the answer became apparent; thoughts seeming to flood from nowhere in a rush of ideas and concepts. Perhaps it is a bit self serving (and at the very least, somewhat subjective) to suggest the experience was as if I was visually watching an idea download into my consciousness. Again, I freely admit that my description of this event is a subjective one, and perhaps self-serving as I firmly believe in the God of Christianity and my description seems to suggest His hand in it. I do not refute that this is my belief but I respect the right of the skeptic to dismiss it or otherwise not regard it. It simply is my recollection of how things transpired.

I believe there to be truth to be discerned in this philosophical treatise. Perhaps some will see direct proof, some will see indirect proof, some will see inferences regarded as truth, and some will see none of the above. To my recollection (and to my tenuous grasp of the history of philosophy) no new idea is exempt from diverse interpretation and evaluation. It is simply “the way of things” and thus it will be with this. I shudder to say that I personally offer this treatise (in so far as, I am loathe to claim it as my knowledge) but for whatever it is worth, I offer this for your consideration. Feel free to embrace or disregard as you see fit. My personal stake in all this was simply to see it published. I suspect others may read and perhaps see insights that escaped me, while others may read and see holes that I did not cover; both such efforts are welcomed.

THE QUESTION

Getting back to the original question, what’s being asked is (paraphrasing), my opponents argument seems fairly straight forward right? We live, after all in a finite world; and in that world everything has a beginning, and everything has an end. However brief, or however protracted, everything begins and ends. Nothing tangible stretches on forever. So his point was not so much that there wasn’t some supreme power, but that the Christian representation of it was false, because it invoked inherently finite attributes to God that should be infinite. His argument suggested that any conversation about a supreme being would require an unbounded framework. To illustrate that such a framework wasn’t merely conjecture or philosophical bloviation, he directed attention to numbers. And he was correct in noting that, numbers, as a collection, are infinite. And if we agreed that numbers were real (i.e that they existed and weren’t just some theoretical concept) then it is proof that the infinite doesn’t have bounds, so anything that was reported to be the beginning or the end, could not be infinite, and thus not be a supreme being.

I concur with the assessment that numbers are real, in fact my argument (to some degree) depends on it. I too believe that the number analogy could be used to have a finite discussion and conceptualization of an infinite concept. Where I differed from my friend is that I believe a beginning or an end is not mutually exclusive with concept of infinite numbers; particularly when the beginning IS the end. Let us begin with some back drop.

COUNTERBALANCE

For your consideration: though there are an infinite number of numbers one thing is true of them all - they all have what I will now refer to as a counterbalance; meaning an equal but opposite number. This should not seem out of the ordinary as examples of counter balance exist (at least philosophically) in everyday life; light and dark, hot and cold, male and female. For numbers however this concept is made possible by virtue of the idea of additive inverses. Whether we are considering real, complex, imaginary, rational or irrational numbers, they all have an equal an opposite counterbalance. For 21 there is -21, for -3/8 there is positive 3/8, for Pi (i.e. 3.1415926535) there is also -Pi.

THE NUMBER LINE

Consider also a number line that extends from negative infinity (-∞) to positive infinity (+∞)

If you move along a number line, there is a point just before negative numbers begin, AND a point just before negative numbers end. If one arbitrarily starts at, say, -7 and begins traveling towards positive 7 the negative numbers must end at some point. Similarly if one begins arbitrarily at positive 7 heading towards negative -7 the negative numbers must begin at some point.

The same example leads to similar conclusions looking at it from the perspective of positive numbers. Positive numbers have to begin somewhere, and they have to end somewhere. So, yes, even in an infinite environment, it can be demonstrated, there still must be a beginning and an end. What is that number upon which the concept of additive inverse is based? What number neither exists as positive or negative? What is the beginning and what is the end? What number has no counterbalance? I submit to you that the answer to all these questions is zero.

CHARACTERISTICS OF DISTINCTION

Zero could be considered the foundation for every number. Consider: Every number is itself, relative to zero. For example, what we call 5 is not merely 5 but 5 relative to its position to zero. Apart from zero, one cannot truly define what the quantity 5 is - whereas conversely, zero defines itself and is relative to itself.

How else is zero distinguished from other numbers, let’s examine. Divide it, and it remains zero. Multiply it, it is still not altered. Go from base-10 to base-4 framework, zero is still zero. Raise it to the third power, it remains unchanged. Take its square root it is unaffected.

-In physical space, only one coordinate point is the same point on every axis - we refer to it as the origin, (0,0,0); different planes but the same point.

COMING FULL CIRCLE

Having made the above observations what is there to discern? I submit the following for your consideration:

Zero has no counter balance; it has no opposite counterpart of equal magnitude. It is simply zero.

An examination of the Bible reveals another entity that is without peers or rivals:

Exodus 8:9 …And he said, Be it according to thy word: that thou mayest know that there is none like unto the LORD our God.

Exodus 9:13 …For I will at this time send all my plagues upon thine heart, and upon thy servants, and upon thy people; that thou mayest know that there is none like me in all the earth.

Deuteronomy 4:33 …Unto thee it was shewed, that thou mightest know that the LORD he is God; there is none else beside him.

Deuteronomy 4:39 …Know therefore this day, and consider it in thine heart, that the LORD he is God in heaven above, and upon the earth beneath: there is none else.

1 Samuel 2:2 …There is none holy as the LORD: for there is none beside thee: neither is there any rock like our God.

1 Kings 8:59 …That all the people of the earth may know that the LORD is God, and that there is none else.

1 Chronicles 17:20 …O LORD, there is none like thee, neither is there any God beside thee, according to all that we have heard with our ears.

Psalms 86:8 …Among the gods there is none like unto thee, O Lord; neither are there any works like unto thy works.

Isaiah 43:10 …Ye are my witnesses, saith the LORD, and my servant whom I have chosen: that ye may know and believe me, and understand that I am he:before me there was no God formed, neither shall there be after me. I, even I, am the LORD; and beside me there is no saviour.

Isaiah 44:6 …Thus saith the LORD the King of Israel, and his redeemer the LORD of hosts; I am the first, and I am the last; and beside me there is no God. And who, as I, shall call, and shall declare it, and set it in order for me, since I appointed the ancient people? and the things that are coming, and shall come, let them shew unto them. Fear ye not, neither be afraid: have not I told thee from that time, and have declared it? ye are even my witnesses. Is there a God beside me? yea, there is no God; I know not any.

Isaiah 45:5 …I am the LORD, and there is none else, there is no God beside me: I girded thee, though thou hast not known me: That they may know from the rising of the sun, and from the west, that there is none beside me. I am the LORD, and there is none else.

Isaiah 45:14 …Thus saith the LORD, The labour of Egypt, and merchandise of Ethiopia and of the Sabeans, men of stature, shall come over unto thee, and they shall be thine: they shall come after thee; in chains they shall come over, and they shall fall down unto thee, they shall make supplication unto thee, saying, Surely God is in thee; and there is none else, there is no God.

Isaiah 45:18 …For thus saith the LORD that created the heavens; God himself that formed the earth and made it; he hath established it, he created it not in vain, he formed it to be inhabited: I am the LORD; and there is none else.

Isaiah 45:20 …and there is no God else beside me; a just God and a Saviour; there is none beside me. Look unto me, and be ye saved, all the ends of the earth: for I am God, and there is none else.

Isaiah 46:9 …Remember the former things of old: for I am God, and there is none else; I am God, and there is none like me,

Jeremiah 10:6 …Forasmuch as there is none like unto thee, O LORD; thou art great, and thy name is great in might. Who would not fear thee, O King of nations? for to thee doth it appertain: forasmuch as among all the wise men of the nations, and in all their kingdoms, there is none like unto thee.

Daniel 3:28 …Therefore I make a decree, That every people, nation, and language, which speak any thing amiss against the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, shall be cut in pieces, and their houses shall be made a dunghill: because there is no other God that can deliver after this sort.

Joel 2:27 …And ye shall know that I am in the midst of Israel, and that I am the LORD your God, and none else: and my people shall never be ashamed.

Mark 12:28 …And the scribe said unto him [Jesus], Well, Master, thou hast said the truth: for there is one God; and there is none other but he:

1 Corinthians 8:4 …As concerning therefore the eating of those things that are offered in sacrifice unto idols, we know that an idol is nothing in the world, and that there is none other God but one.

Zero is simultaneously the beginning and end

Who else do we know is both the beginning and the end?

Revelation 1:8 I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty.

Revelation 21:6 He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End.

Revelation 22:13 I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last.


(Since all numbers converge on and diverge from zero it is truly the foundation for every number.)

Who else do we know set the foundation for everything?

Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

1 Samuel 2:8 ...for the pillars of the earth are the LORD's, and he hath set the world upon them.

Job 38 1:6 Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind, and said, Who is this that darkeneth counsel by words without knowledge? Gird up now thy loins like a man; for I will demand of thee, and answer thou me. Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding.



Every number is itself, relative to zero.

Relative to Whom do we measure and gauge all of existence?

Isaiah 55:8-9 ...For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

2 Peter 3:8 But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.

Romans 3:23 For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;


zero defines itself and is relative to itself

Who else do we know is not defined by anyone or anything else but Himself?

Exodus 3:14 And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you.


(Divide zero, and it remains zero. Multiply it, it is still not altered. Go from base-10 to base-4 framework, and zero is unaffected.)

Who else do we know remains unchanged?

Malachi 3:6 For I am the LORD, I change not; therefore ye sons of Jacob are not consumed.

Hebrews 1 ...the heavens are the works of thine hands: They shall perish; but thou remainest; and they all shall wax old as doth a garment; And as a vesture shalt thou fold them up, and they shall be changed: but thou art the same, and thy years shall not fail.


In physical space, only one coordinate point is the same point on every axis - we refer to it as the origin, (0,0,0); different planes but the same point.

Who else do we know can exist in 3 parts, and yet still be the same?

John 10:30 I and my Father are one.

John 14:15-18 If ye love me, keep my commandments. And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; Even the Spirit of truth...

Matthew 3:16-17 And Jesus, when he was baptized, went up straightway out of the water: and, lo, the heavens were opened unto him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove, and lighting upon him: And lo a voice from heaven, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.

CRITICISMS

When I first presented this Philosophical Concept one of the immediate push backs against it was that zero is not actually a number. In response I would note to anyone else making similar claims:

There are different sets of numbers that build up to the Real Number system (the unique complete ordered field).

Zero is clearly an element of the set of Real Numbers, it's the "additive identity" -- the number that, when added to any other number x, doesn't change the value of x. Thus, zero is a number, just as any other element of the set of Real Numbers is a number.

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1633/is-zero-a-number

Another criticism levied was the point that other religious text may express similar parallels as evidenced below from the Quran:

Sura 57:003: He is the First (nothing is before Him) and the Last (nothing is after Him), the Most High (nothing is above Him) and the Most Near (nothing is nearer than Him). And He is the All-Knower of every thing.

Sura 2: 029: He it is Who created for you all that is in the earth. Then turned He to the heaven, and fashioned it as seven heavens. And He is knower of all things.aps

NOTE: This is not to be considered an exhaustive list of references in the Quran (or other religious texts where such references might exist) but examples of parallels to be found in other religious texts.

Though some might disagree, I submit that this revelation does not represent a flaw in the theory. The observation merely establishes that the parallels noted between the Bible and the characteristics of zero, may also be observed elsewhere. Since there were no claims or assertions that parallels were unique to the Bible there is no apparent contradiction to my eye. Further, if so inclined, one could argue that Quran actually refers to the same Omniscient power referenced in the Bible (via Abraham Isaac and Ishmael). I am not specifically making this argument (in part because it’s simply not necessary) but I do not preclude that such an angle could be taken.

Zero Theory is just a take on 5 percenter teachings

I was unfamiliar with the teachings of the 5 percent nation until recently (beyond some of the hip hop lingo that many people used in casual conversation not understanding it). A quick examination of what they refer to as Supreme Numbers would reveal some similarities to this theory, but also one obvious and major disparity. In the teachings of the 5 percent nation they suggest that zero is a cipher:

O - Cipher or Completion. A circle consisting of 360 degrees. Every person, place, or thing pertains to a Cipher.

Here there is an argument (subject to interpretation) that their teaching might appear to be compatible with Zero Theory. If zero is a beginning and an end, that it encompasses the life cycle of all things tangible – from beginning to end, and thus represents a form of completion. However, by way of Zero Theory, the suggestion and conclusion is that Zero symbolically represents the Supreme Being who is NOT man. Five percent nation teachings suggest that the number 7 represents God, and that men are Supreme Beings. This theory and their teachings are not compatible.

Negative numbers are concepts, not real tangible things. For example a person cannot pick up -2 apples, or -5 dollars. I do not contend this is a valid argument (as stated earlier, negative numbers are real numbers, they do not have to be physically tangible to acquire this status). However, we can change our framework and demonstrate the same phenomena without necessarily relying on numbers. If we take three number lines and stack them perpendicular to one another (as shown in Steps I, II, and III below) we essentially form a 3D Coordinate axes (with the coordinates (0,0,0) at the center). See below.

This 3D coordinate axes need not rely on numbers (whether positive or negative). We can replace the positive and negative on each axes with directions: forward and back, above and below, and left and right respectively. See the picture below.

If we superimpose this new directional coordinate axes over a human body we would have something that looks like the figure below:

3D Model from http://www.plasticboy.co.uk/store/index.html

If now, for example, we travel along the left-right axis we can observe that there is still a point that we reach that is neither right nor left. Just as negative numbers end at a certain point and positive numbers begin (and vice versa), the directions begin and end at a common point.

We can switch axes, and see that this analysis remains the same. There is a point that is neither above nor below, neither left nor right, neither forward nor backward on this axis. This point, is the beginning and the end of all the directions (forward, backward, left, right, above and below). And we can tangibly define all of these directions. Not surprisingly, each direction is still relative to the center (i.e defined by the position of the center) while the center remains constant. It is the foundation for all other directions, and also has no counterpart. And if that origin (point (0, 0, 0)) is inside of us; if it is symbolically at our center (and if we recall the earlier observation that the origin could represent God in 3 persons, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost) then I would offer this Biblical Passages as well for consideration: (See Picture Below)

1 John 2:14 I write to you, fathers, because you have known him who is from the beginning. I write to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God lives in you, and you have overcome the evil one.

1 John 4:4 You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.

1 John 4:12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

1 John 4:15 If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God.

1 John 4:16 God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.

1 Corinthians 3:16 Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you

1 Corinthians 6:19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own

2 Corinthians 6:16 Or what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; just as God said, 'I will dwell in them and walk among them and I will be their God, and they shall be my people...'

Ephesians 2:22 And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.

TRANSITION

When this treatise was first published, it wasn’t as well defined as it is now. Many of the concepts and ideas took time to be better developed. Some of the initials criticisms had to be levied in order to develop the treatise further (tangibility of negative numbers was one such criticism). Still in all, I believe this treatise to have some merit. It is perhaps not perfect, and I make no assertion that it is. For want of a title, I initially called this Zero-Theory. At the time it was appropriate as the conversation was constrained to numbers and number lines. But as I believe has been demonstrated while responding to critiques, an origin or center can also serve as beginning and end. In fact, it could be argued that zero, is in fact, the center of the number line.

In any event, regardless of what the theory is called, it should be noted that I certainly do not mean to suggest this is a definitive proof (I feel at a minimum that a truth is implied but certainly not declared at least not by me.)

And while this all involves some mathematical concepts, the use of math does not constitute proof positive. Afterall math is really just a language we use to describe phenomena. So I speculate that it can no more prove God, than the English language can prove God. But they can all still allude to a truth. Just as we see balance in our human existence (high vs low, filled vs empty), we see balance in mathematical frameworks (positive vs negative). And even though that framework is infinite, we see within it a point that is both beginning and end that has no counterpart; an unchanged foundation to which everything else is related.

Does it not stand to reason that the same thing also exists in our existence? Again, submitted for your consideration, your critique, your criticism, your cosign, your confirmation - whatever the case may be.

Award Tour Vol. 59: 45 minutes at a time

You know what I hate about my commute?

It isn't the 45 minutes of my life that I have to waste doing it (by the way that's 45 minutes one way in GOOD traffic - so if you hated it the first time - congratulations you get to do it all over again on your way home)

It's not the scarcity of exits on the interstate that I am mostly keenly reminded of at times when I have failed to:

a). gas up
b). use the bathroom

BEFORE I got on the road

It isn't the exorbitantly priced fuel, which seems to set a record high in price, as often as oil companies set record highs in profits. It isn't even the fact that I am resigned to my fate conceding that I must now "learn how to spin straw into gold" to pay for my fuel, while being told these companies that are setting record profits, need even MORE tax breaks, in order to build refineries the likes of which they had been consolidating and closing down since 1997 in order to produce the artificial shortage we experience now. Yeah I know - it's real tempting to think this is the one that p!sses me off the most - but it's not.

It's not the mild mannered Prius owner that suddenly forgets the refrain from the song "Give Peace a Chance" and turns into an "A$$ wing" the moment he gets into his car and decides, just before I pass him, that he'd like to get in on this "left hand lane" action, a left hand lane (I might add) that he sees no reason should be used for passing.

It isn't the dashboard of my car turning into a Christmas tree AFTER I come from the auto repair shop and lighting up warning signals that I'm still not convinced even apply to my car. No that doesn't bother me so much. I mean think about it: the lights just mean more money out of my pocket, and since I'm already spinning straw into Gold for gas, I've already got that one covered.

It isn't being snarled in traffic and watching a convoy of self absorbed drivers zoom by in the right hand lane passing a half dozen signs warning them to merge left because the lane will soon end. We all know they're trying to leap frog traffic - we all know that at the last possible second that same caravan is going to attempt to dart over and force it's way into any crevice or hole created by some group of inattentive driver who were slow to accelerate. And as this happens I will again (as I have done in the past) transform into Mel Gibson in "The Patriot" screaming "hold the line" from my position far in back - and like the Continental army of the aforementioned movie, they will fail to do so. So you see - this is not the part of my commute that I hate. You're saying to yourself, "man it's gotta be that" but no... it's not. With therapy and a strong support system, I can get past this. Really I can.

It's not the traffic jam that disappears and reforms only after I have safely passed the last convenient exit and am no way near the next one, it's not even the fact that jam on my side of the interstate is due to an accident on the OTHER side of the interstate and completely separate. I can forgive it all.

What I can't forgive is that I don't have the hovercraft that I so richly deserve, so I wouldn't have to deal with any of this in the first place. It is 2008. 2008. Back to the Future Part II takes place in 2015 - we've got exactly 7 years to get caught up to the Hollywood technology curve, and where are we? We don't have a hover-anything. Not one damn vehicle. No hover bike, no hover board, no hover nothing. I mean if they're trying to pass off this maglev/magnetic levitation train as a hover craft I'm not buying. Magnetic levitation might as well be just another way of saying "magic". There's no hover going on here. I mean look at this picture... can you see any space between the train and the ground?




No you can't. You know why? Because it's not hovering. This isn't the techonolgy that leads to Buck Rogers... this is the technology that Buck Rogers and his 25th Century compatriots would look at in an antiquity musuems and shake their heads wondering out loud, "man - how did we ever survive this dark era"?

And to that question I would answer: we survived it 45 minutes at a time.

Award Tour Vol. 58: In The Name of Love

For any of you who are in a Black Greek Letter Organization - this one is dedicated to you. Enjoy.

How do you know you're an old school Greek? If you can answer yes to any of the questions below, there's a good chance you are.


If you couldn't research jack about your organization on the computer when you was trying to get down because there was no internet...

If you have ever at any point in your life started a story with, "back when I was coming through..."

If you've been in your organization twice as many years as some people have been ALIVE......

If you crossed when your org still had living Founders...

If Thomas Alva Edison hadn't put his "thang" down yet, and you were straight up taking your beat down by candle light...

If you went to set in a Model T Ford...

If there was a paper bag taped to the wall when you went for your interview...

(For the Ques) If the lamp you carried with you on the yard was the same one you used to light your dorm room...

If you question someone's process that came after you... and they were made in the 1930's
...

If an iPod costs more than what you paid to be initiated...

My friend, if you had to hand write your interest letter and application with a quill pen...

If your initiation was making it safely to the north via the Underground Railroad

(For the Ques) If it was the Great Depression... and you STILL had to set owt the Bruhz

If your name is actually IN the early chapters of your history book... and they refer to you as an "old head" even then...

If you road tripped and you stopped after only visiting 3 chapters... cause that's all that existed...

If they alternated between a phonograph and a live stage band at your probate show...

If they have actually changed the Fraternity pin since you got yours...

If you are older than the tree where the wood came from to make your paddle...

If the boots you wore while you were pledgin... were the same ones you used when you fought in the war...

If you came in the Frat back when you had to make your own nalia...

If pledging was outlawed as a direct result of something YOU did to a pledgee...

If the resolution outlawing pledging was actually named after you...

If you add your life member number together with your control number and the total is still in the single digits...

Award Tour Vol. 57: Things IV

What else annoys me? These things...

*******The lady who is using the Automatic Ticketing Booth at the movie theatre for the first time

ANALYSIS
You're having a hard time inserting your credit card the right way... there's really only two ways to do it - but you know what? It confuses alot of people. It's a rookie mistake and I'm willing to overlook it but I'm late for my movie - and I can't afford to be penalized any more time while you try to figure out the "Mysteries of the Card Swipe".

If nothing else you should have your personal logistics together. You should know how many people are in your party, how many are adults and how many are children - this is very straight forward concept that should not require a tutorial that you clearly need (rookie or not). You cannot expect me to be understanding as the clock ticks away, and you stand there asking outloud, "What time does the 8:50 show start?" (Think about it - and yes, this really happened).

*******The Cyclops

ANALYSIS
Oh you've seen this driver type before. He's the guy (and you will almost always find him driving behind you) who only has one working headlight, and so to compensate, he turns that one light from the "On" position up to "Thermo-Nuclear". Mr. Cyclops - has it ever crossed your mind that, rather than burning out the retinas of everyone in front of you, that you could just fix your other head light? The lamps are relatively inexpensive and you could do it yourself.
We would all be thankful if you did because the alternative is unacceptable. I go on the record as being against you and your guiding light - and not just because you're driving behind me and making it difficult to drive (that's only part of it). That one light is so bright, if I turned my headlights off right now, I could still see in front of me. Any device putting out that kind of "foot-candles" has no business on the roads. You want to find a place to use that - think "Bat Signal".

*******The movie ruiner

ANALYSIS
Look - maybe this is your second time seeing this movie - but it's my first. Nobody gave away the punch lines of the movies when you watched it the first time... why are you doing it to me? Is it so much to ask that you let the characters in the movie say the lines themselves? Afterall, I paid money to hear them, not you.

*******The perpetual text messenger

ANALYSIS
This is a movie theatre - not a DVD. You won't be able to rewind the parts you missed because you are unable to resist responding to your most recent text message. I don't mind you missing the movie because you're distracted - I do mind the halogen powered backlight on your phone that is shining a beam of blue light in my face as you gleefully type in your response - now you're distracting me (and people 5 seats behind me) .

*******The thief who isn't even smart

ANALYSIS
I once asked a guy who works at a gym, for help locating my lost my skull cap. I thought I had misplaced while at the gym so he directed me to the "Lost and Found" area but didn't seem to think I would find it. "Why", I asked. He responded, "Man, people around here are trifiling - they will steal anything". He proceeds to tell me that someone once stole a shirt of his...

... after he had just worked out in it. Here's the kicker - the person that stole it, then came back to the gym wearing the shirt the next week - like he wouldn't run into the original owner (who as I said, WORKED in the gym). How stupid do you have to be? A brain trust of this caliber should be just dumb enough to figure out how to choke to death on air and it would not surprise me at all if they robbed a bank, and returned later on to deposit the money in their own account...

...to the same bank
...with the same money
...taken out of the same bag
...wearing the same clothes
...on the same day that he robbed them. Matter of fact, a fool like this probably wouldn't even leave the bank... they'd demand that the teller put the money in the bag, and then fill out a deposit slip to put the money right back it into their account. Idiots.

*******Campbell's Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup

ANALYSIS
Look I've taken some courses in industrial engineering - I know some of the challenges you face in keeping a production line up and running. I also took a few courses in statistics, and understand that each can of soup I buy is not going to have the exact same distrubution of noodles and chicken...

...but screw engineering, and f*#$ your statistics when I open my can of soup and I have 3 and half pieces of chicken total. You all must have lost your minds. 3 and 1/2 pieces...? You think I endured 15 minutes in that line at Wal-Mart for 3 and 1/2 pieces of chicken? There are plenty of noodles in the can, I see you didn't have any problems distributing that - where the f*#$ is my chicken? I tell you what, let me open another can of soup that has 3 and 1/2 pieces of chicken and I'm flying to corporate and I'm whooping somebody's a$$. I'm not playing. I mean right there at your desk, while you're checking your e-mail... BEAT DOWN. It's Chicken Noodle soup. Chicken THEN noodle. Not Noodle soup with Chicken making a "special guest appearance". You got exactly one more can to get this right... specifically the next can I buy. Don't have me in your office whooping your a$$ with your phone. Gimme mines.

Award Tour Vol. 56: The Barrell End

Breaking up is a hard thing to do. It sucks, but it happens. Most of us pick up the pieces and move on. It's the normal thing to do - especially if you're a man.

So imagine my surprise when, while sitting at my desk at work, I hear a male co-worker talking to the secretary and waxing on about a break up with all the masculinity of a jilted Las Vegas show girl doing a Taxi Cab confession while high on X. Despite my best efforts not to, I listened as he sat over there pouring out his heart; each word he putting him further in touch with his feminie side (and simultaneously, further out of touch with reality) to the point where, I expect at any moment to overhear him saying, "hey, am I... am I actually lactating?"

The following is an open-letter addressed to you (my blubbering co-worker) in hopes that you "Man Up" and sound off like you have a pair.

Mr. Co worker,

Considering you do very little meaningful here at work, it is disheartening to learn that you are equally inept when it comes to your social life. While I could have predicted as much, I think I was better off not knowing for certain. Lying to myself was part of what got me through the day.

I had convinced myself that somehow you weren't just a gruesome layer of sagging skin draped over misery - but that you were actually a person - a living breathing person.

I tried to develop some sense of respect for you - even though, you repeatedly demonstrated that my efforts were unjustified. Now that I know you are estranged from "success" in every venue possible I am left with only one human emotion left to give you... pity - and this token will not get you much mileage -

- Not when it comes on the heels of your treachery dealing with the secretary at the front desk. Yes, I heard you manipulate her into listening to your mournful diatribe. On some level I have to admire it for the "Jedi Mind Trick" that it was - but in the grand scheme of things it was under-handed.

You know the secretary is starved for social interaction. You deliberately went over to her dangling the "bait" of casual conversation and she, thinking you sincere, engaged you.

Once you had her sufficiently entangled and trapped, then you started your "dirge" (except without the music). Did you even ask her first if she wanted to play "Psychotherapist" to your "Psycho"? Did you even give her the option? Even "mother nature" gives the prey on the Serengeti a fighting chance against the predators... did you?

I tried, to block out your emotional ejaculation - but the volume on my headphones would only go so loud. I almost feel like I've lost some of my masculinity for having heard it (on an aside I personally would like to commend you on being able to say so much, without stopping to take a breath - I thought it was tactical mistake on your part, but you didn't pass out as I anticipated - physiologically speaking, you probably should have).

That all said, because I was unable to completely drown out your monologue, I heard enough key phrases to discern that, if your lady friend didn't have a legitimate reason to break up with you before, she does now. You are a lunatic.

Consider if you will:

You are asking the secretary (who doesn't really know you or the lady that you're talking about) if 1. you should send your ex an e-mail asking her to say hello to her friends that had met you before - AND - 2. if you should sign the e-mail "with warmest regards". And now I just heard you tell the secretary how you'd like to stay in contact with your ex's mother.

Just to recap: She wants to break up with you, and so in response you attempt to integrate yourself even tighter into her existence. If she loves me, I hold onto her, if she despises me I hold on even tighter?

If all this wasn't enough to get us to the top of Mt. Ridiculous, you strap on a rocket booster and ignite it with the following statement, "she says she wants someone she deserves - I wonder does she think she's better than me?"

Based on what you've just said - yes... I believe she thinks it, and moreover I believe she's assessed the situation correctly. You are a lunatic. Oh one might question her decision making methodology (after all, we're having this conversation because at some point she believed it was a good idea to get involved with you - and I think we can all agree that was not a banner moment for her) - but she at least does not compound the error by wallowing in it...

You're inability to take "no" for an answer isn't just scary, it's stalk-erific. If she doesn't have a restraining order out against you by nightfall, I will file it for her. Yes, she has exhibited questionable judgement, but you are the one that I suspect, will be filling a subscription for Zoloft (or some other behavior modifying drug) in the near future. I say this because you are a lunatic.

Again, I know breaking up sucks, and if you had to split, at least you would want to be the one ending the relationship but - what can I say - you don't always get to be on the trigger end of the shotgun... sometimes you get the barrell end.

Award Tour Vol. 55: The National Anthem

0:00
The singer, an officer of the law, steps up the podium - he appears briefly composed...

...that's all about to change

0:03
A scant 3 seconds into the Star Spangled Banner - we note (with trepidation) that our crooner has not not yet decided in which key he'll sing the song. Bucking conventional wisdom, it seems he'll try out a few of them before he picks one. We also note (with a mixture of suppresed laughter and abject horror) that he appears to be having trouble remembering what comes after "Oh say can you see" - evidenced by one of several glances down at his "crib sheet".

0:05
We (and by we, I mean those of us who are sane) listen to crooner flatly belt out the word "dawn" as though it was actually spelled "d-o-a-n" and wonder - if english is a language that this mans speaks at all?

0:10
We are now able to confirm that the "crib sheet" upon which our hero was relying so heavily has been compromised. It was apparently filled with an incoherent string of unrelated verbage that will not in any way deter our hero from singing them out as printed.

0:12
Didn't like the way the original National Anthem was written? No problem... rewrite it as you go along. You too can suspend your disbelief - and decide that "What so proudly we hailed" does sort of sound like "What so haaaaally faaalaay" - if you say it fast enough and the people around aren't paying attention (of course, however, in this video, they ARE paying attention).

0:16
"At the last gleaming full bright" His words not mine. If you can make sense of it - that's a problem. You probably share a similar cognitive disorder as this singer and need to seek help.

0:21
The wheels have fallen off completely at this point. Through the magic of video editing they manage to cut-a-way from the singer momentarily - to another officer sitting in the crowd. He sits stoic. It is difficult to tell what's going on in his mind. Is he stifiling laughter, or is he murdering the soloist with a pick axe in accordance with what "the voices" told him? Conceptually, I think we can all sympathize. I mean, do we really think this guy served 2 tours of duty in Vietnam fragging communists in the name of the American way - just so this man could stand before us and butcher the National Anthem with impunity? No I don't think so. The more I think about it, the more I think "pick axe".

0:30
The massacre continues. Though we cannot see it, we surmise that the singer has given up all hope on his "crib sheet" saving him and resorts to just making up words and phrases as he sees fit. Another officer in the crowd is shown, trying his best to maintain the dignity that the singer will not likewise show to himself and the anthem. Officially, the carnage is halfway over.

0:44-0:49
"proof to the night... that the star was still there". Sure the star was still there... but something's not quite right about all this. What's wrong with this phrase? Apparently nothing if you forget the fact that you're singing the National Anthem... but I repeat myself.

0:53
It seems that one musical key, simply will not due. Our crooner seems content to perform all along the extremes of the Treble Clef; exploring the keys one by one to see what works best for talents and abilities.

0:57
Remix history has been made. It seems the Star Spangled Banner yet waves o'er "the land of the brave, and the home of the free". And while we know those aren't the words to the song - you have to admit - even in reverse it's still true.

Ironically the video ends with another officer coming to the podium asking the crowd "to join him in prayer".

The National Anthem as it's never been (nor should be) sung.
http://www.thatvideosite.com/view/2564.html

Award Tour Vol. 54: Out of Place

What's wrong with these pictures?

It's obvious isn't it...

...they're setting up for an outdoor event when it is clearly overcast outside. The rain could come at any minute and they're trying to grill. Poor judgement on their parts.


What?


You saw something else out of place?