Award Tour Vol. 57: Things IV

What else annoys me? These things...

*******The lady who is using the Automatic Ticketing Booth at the movie theatre for the first time

ANALYSIS
You're having a hard time inserting your credit card the right way... there's really only two ways to do it - but you know what? It confuses alot of people. It's a rookie mistake and I'm willing to overlook it but I'm late for my movie - and I can't afford to be penalized any more time while you try to figure out the "Mysteries of the Card Swipe".

If nothing else you should have your personal logistics together. You should know how many people are in your party, how many are adults and how many are children - this is very straight forward concept that should not require a tutorial that you clearly need (rookie or not). You cannot expect me to be understanding as the clock ticks away, and you stand there asking outloud, "What time does the 8:50 show start?" (Think about it - and yes, this really happened).

*******The Cyclops

ANALYSIS
Oh you've seen this driver type before. He's the guy (and you will almost always find him driving behind you) who only has one working headlight, and so to compensate, he turns that one light from the "On" position up to "Thermo-Nuclear". Mr. Cyclops - has it ever crossed your mind that, rather than burning out the retinas of everyone in front of you, that you could just fix your other head light? The lamps are relatively inexpensive and you could do it yourself.
We would all be thankful if you did because the alternative is unacceptable. I go on the record as being against you and your guiding light - and not just because you're driving behind me and making it difficult to drive (that's only part of it). That one light is so bright, if I turned my headlights off right now, I could still see in front of me. Any device putting out that kind of "foot-candles" has no business on the roads. You want to find a place to use that - think "Bat Signal".

*******The movie ruiner

ANALYSIS
Look - maybe this is your second time seeing this movie - but it's my first. Nobody gave away the punch lines of the movies when you watched it the first time... why are you doing it to me? Is it so much to ask that you let the characters in the movie say the lines themselves? Afterall, I paid money to hear them, not you.

*******The perpetual text messenger

ANALYSIS
This is a movie theatre - not a DVD. You won't be able to rewind the parts you missed because you are unable to resist responding to your most recent text message. I don't mind you missing the movie because you're distracted - I do mind the halogen powered backlight on your phone that is shining a beam of blue light in my face as you gleefully type in your response - now you're distracting me (and people 5 seats behind me) .

*******The thief who isn't even smart

ANALYSIS
I once asked a guy who works at a gym, for help locating my lost my skull cap. I thought I had misplaced while at the gym so he directed me to the "Lost and Found" area but didn't seem to think I would find it. "Why", I asked. He responded, "Man, people around here are trifiling - they will steal anything". He proceeds to tell me that someone once stole a shirt of his...

... after he had just worked out in it. Here's the kicker - the person that stole it, then came back to the gym wearing the shirt the next week - like he wouldn't run into the original owner (who as I said, WORKED in the gym). How stupid do you have to be? A brain trust of this caliber should be just dumb enough to figure out how to choke to death on air and it would not surprise me at all if they robbed a bank, and returned later on to deposit the money in their own account...

...to the same bank
...with the same money
...taken out of the same bag
...wearing the same clothes
...on the same day that he robbed them. Matter of fact, a fool like this probably wouldn't even leave the bank... they'd demand that the teller put the money in the bag, and then fill out a deposit slip to put the money right back it into their account. Idiots.

*******Campbell's Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup

ANALYSIS
Look I've taken some courses in industrial engineering - I know some of the challenges you face in keeping a production line up and running. I also took a few courses in statistics, and understand that each can of soup I buy is not going to have the exact same distrubution of noodles and chicken...

...but screw engineering, and f*#$ your statistics when I open my can of soup and I have 3 and half pieces of chicken total. You all must have lost your minds. 3 and 1/2 pieces...? You think I endured 15 minutes in that line at Wal-Mart for 3 and 1/2 pieces of chicken? There are plenty of noodles in the can, I see you didn't have any problems distributing that - where the f*#$ is my chicken? I tell you what, let me open another can of soup that has 3 and 1/2 pieces of chicken and I'm flying to corporate and I'm whooping somebody's a$$. I'm not playing. I mean right there at your desk, while you're checking your e-mail... BEAT DOWN. It's Chicken Noodle soup. Chicken THEN noodle. Not Noodle soup with Chicken making a "special guest appearance". You got exactly one more can to get this right... specifically the next can I buy. Don't have me in your office whooping your a$$ with your phone. Gimme mines.