Award Tour Vol. 48: They All Have Stripes

My Dad was a practical spender. This means, he wasn't cheap, but he was also not frivilous - if you wanted to put cheese on that "Whopper" there had better be a good reason for it.

Going to him for money, was like running a mental obstacle course. You couldn't just ask for an item (especially if it was a non-essential) no, there would have to be some sort of reckoning - a verbal audit if you will. This was one of the reasons, Tre playfully referred to my Dad as the Dark Overlord of Finance.

How he worked his magic, to this day remains somewhat of a mystery. No books were ever kept, no financial records ever written down and archived... my Dad just had a fierce and detailed oriented memory that he wielded with impunity and nothing but a solid and well thought out argument would surive his wrath. Anything less was quickly laid to waste.

I learned this lesson quickly when I first visited the Budgeting Office of the Dark Overlord of Finance about purchasing a new watch. It was an experience I would not soon forget. In a few short strategic set of questions, I watched what I thought to be a reasonable request be dismantled like the 1997 Florida Marlins.

Me: Dad can I have some money?
Dad: What for?
Me: I want to buy a watch

[Searches Dark Overlord of Finance Database]

Dad: Don't you already have a watch?
Me: It doesn't work anymore
Dad: What happened to it?
Me: It broke.
Dad: How did it get that way?
Me: I dropped it coming back from school.

[Insert Logic Trap]

Dad: How did you do that?
Me: I wasn't doing anything wrong, I was just coming back from and it slipped off and it hasn't been working right since.

[Stun the victim]

Dad: So if I get you a new watch, the same thing could happen next week couldn't it?
Me: u - uh...

[Finish him]

Dad: What do you need a watch for anyway - there are clocks in school so you know what time it is when you're there right?

Me: Well yeah but...

Dad: And there are clocks here at home - the only time you don't have a clock is when you're outside - and you know to come home when the street light comes on.

Me: {silence}


Note that he never actually said "no" to me. That was part of the beauty of his craft. So intricate and well founded was his argument (and so porous was your own) he didn't have to say "no"... you would do it for him. You would deny your own request and feel shame for having asked in the first place.

That's just the way it was in my house. If you hadn't scripted and then rehearsed the conversation that you planned to have with the Dark Overlord of Finance at least 3 or 4 times before you actually tried it - then you might as well say you were "just practicing".

On the occassions that you did submit a request that was approved - you still weren't out of the woods. Now you had to endure the "The Glorious Commutation". What's that you ask? That was the ceremony that my father ritualistically engaged in each time he gave you money. No exceptions.

First he would look at you and not move for a moment - which would naturally confuse you because - as you understood it, he had agreed to give you money. Why isn't he doing it? The answer: He is. He's just setting the stage to do it.

He stands there remaining quiet, unflinching, unmoving. Just when the silence becomes almost too much to bear, he reaches for his wallet. He pauses, and looks at you once again. Thus begins phase two of the exchange.

He opens the wallet and he withdraws a bill, ever so slowly, such that you could hear the crinkle and crackle of each and every fold in the bill as it slides out. He slowly hands you the money. You reach out to take the bill only, he doesn't let it go. He will establish and maintains direct eye-contact with you for a 2 second period and then (and only then - after his gaze has pierced your very soul) does he relinquish his hold...

...and this ceremony will be repeated for each bill he gives you (God forbid if he was giving you the money in all 1's). Even if you had never known the true value of a dollar up to this point, by the time the "Glorious Commutation" was completed - you did.

That's why I both reveled in, and jumped at any chance to spend the family money without budget oversight - it was not an opportunity afforded to us often. Back-to-school shopping was one of those rare Thriftiness holidays were the normal rules of "spending" were suspended - here the playing field is somewhat more level. Dad could pretty much outflank you on any item that you asked for that plugged into the wall or required batteries - but shopping for school clothes was exempt. And to that I say Carpe Diem.

When we were younger my mother did all the Back-to-School shopping - and it was always a breeze because, as long as what you wanted was within reason - she would get it. Years later, the Dark Overlord of Finance is being tapped for Back-to-School duty.

This is not his realm of expertise. He'll do it because he's a good father, but clearly he is more of a Family Claims Adjuster than a Fashion expert. He doesn't have time to explore what kids like. Rather than doing any marketing research, he attempts to overlay his Auditing Model on the shopping experience with predictably bad results.

Dad: What kind of clothes do you want
Kids: We want shirts

[Searches Dark Overlord of Finance Database]

Dad: Don't you already have shirts?
Kids: Some.
Dad: Well what's wrong with those?
Kids: We've outgrown them

[Logic Trap Thwarted. Dark Overlord quelled for the moment]

Dad: Well... what kind of shirts do you want?
Kids: Not really sure, we'll have to look around to see what we like
Dad: But isn't there any particular style?
Kids: I don't know maybe something cool looking with stripes

[Dark Overlord processes data. Locks in on the one and only technical spec: stripes]

Editor's Note: In Systems Engineering you see people run into this type of problem all the time. When your "requirements" are too nebulous, the net you cast captures solutions that you never wanted or intended. Going about this clinically (as he does for most things) the Dark Overlord follows his design specs to the letter. Stripes. That was the one, and the only quantifiable specification. Cool is not a measurable entity and therefore is ignored. Thus he picks up any, and everything with stripes on it, because he believes he has "buy-in" on stripes...

...and in fact, he does not.

Dad: How about this shirt
Me: Uhhh... naw
Dad: No? What's wrong with it
Me: I don't like it
Dad: But it has the stripes

[Insert feedback loop into Dark Overlord Source Code]

Me: It has stripes but I don't like it

[Allow feed back loop to initiate and watch it cascade]

Dad: Why don't you like it?
Me: It's not my style of shirt
Dad: What do you mean it's not your style? I asked what style you liked, you said you liked stripes. This shirt has stripes. Isn't that what you said?
Me: Yeah, I said wanted something with stripes
Dad: Well what's wrong with this shirt? You said you wanted stripes - the shirt has stripes right there. That's what you asked for right? You wanted the the stripes, and there go the stripes right there... there are the stripes, and they're on the shirt - stripes - so what's the problem?
Me: I don't like it

[The feed back loop has collapsed in upon itself - Dark Overlord Source Code is off line]

Dad: Fine, you go find what you want, I'm done looking.

My younger brother Dee was probably the most relieved that my father gave up looking for shirts. He pulled me to the side and told me that the shirts my father was selecting off the rack was something that only Shaggy from Scooby Doo would wear...
...and then only if it was the 70's again
...and then only if he was high
...and then only if he was legally blind in both eyes

This leads me to a very important point (and for those of you who are parents, listen up here). Fashion is relative - what was in vogue when you were young - almost certainly isn't in vogue when your kids reach that same age. In fact, most of your fashion sense will be an anathma to your progeny. I know they say these things go in cycles, that fashion trends repeat themselves, but they are rarely synchronized from one generation to the next. They're more like multiples of prime numbers - they rarely cross paths and by the time they do - it's so far out that nobody even cares or notices.

If it's any consolation to you, know that one day your kids will also be laughed to scorn by their children when they attempt to explain how Throw Back Jerseys and clothing lines from various music groups that debuted a video on TRL - really was a cool thing and they ought to give it a chance before shooting it down (you're probably laughing right now).

What made this outing all the more amusing was my father's persistence. By the time we got the clothes that we actually wanted, and got to the check-out line, the Dark Overlord Source Code had begun to reboot. He wanted to let it go, but he couldn't help it - he had to make his case again. He tried obliquely, to argue that the shirts we picked out were basically no different than the ones he had picked out. When questioned on the validity of his argument, he essentially offered us this gem:

"Well they all have stripes don't they?"