Award Tour Vol. 56: The Barrell End

Breaking up is a hard thing to do. It sucks, but it happens. Most of us pick up the pieces and move on. It's the normal thing to do - especially if you're a man.

So imagine my surprise when, while sitting at my desk at work, I hear a male co-worker talking to the secretary and waxing on about a break up with all the masculinity of a jilted Las Vegas show girl doing a Taxi Cab confession while high on X. Despite my best efforts not to, I listened as he sat over there pouring out his heart; each word he putting him further in touch with his feminie side (and simultaneously, further out of touch with reality) to the point where, I expect at any moment to overhear him saying, "hey, am I... am I actually lactating?"

The following is an open-letter addressed to you (my blubbering co-worker) in hopes that you "Man Up" and sound off like you have a pair.

Mr. Co worker,

Considering you do very little meaningful here at work, it is disheartening to learn that you are equally inept when it comes to your social life. While I could have predicted as much, I think I was better off not knowing for certain. Lying to myself was part of what got me through the day.

I had convinced myself that somehow you weren't just a gruesome layer of sagging skin draped over misery - but that you were actually a person - a living breathing person.

I tried to develop some sense of respect for you - even though, you repeatedly demonstrated that my efforts were unjustified. Now that I know you are estranged from "success" in every venue possible I am left with only one human emotion left to give you... pity - and this token will not get you much mileage -

- Not when it comes on the heels of your treachery dealing with the secretary at the front desk. Yes, I heard you manipulate her into listening to your mournful diatribe. On some level I have to admire it for the "Jedi Mind Trick" that it was - but in the grand scheme of things it was under-handed.

You know the secretary is starved for social interaction. You deliberately went over to her dangling the "bait" of casual conversation and she, thinking you sincere, engaged you.

Once you had her sufficiently entangled and trapped, then you started your "dirge" (except without the music). Did you even ask her first if she wanted to play "Psychotherapist" to your "Psycho"? Did you even give her the option? Even "mother nature" gives the prey on the Serengeti a fighting chance against the predators... did you?

I tried, to block out your emotional ejaculation - but the volume on my headphones would only go so loud. I almost feel like I've lost some of my masculinity for having heard it (on an aside I personally would like to commend you on being able to say so much, without stopping to take a breath - I thought it was tactical mistake on your part, but you didn't pass out as I anticipated - physiologically speaking, you probably should have).

That all said, because I was unable to completely drown out your monologue, I heard enough key phrases to discern that, if your lady friend didn't have a legitimate reason to break up with you before, she does now. You are a lunatic.

Consider if you will:

You are asking the secretary (who doesn't really know you or the lady that you're talking about) if 1. you should send your ex an e-mail asking her to say hello to her friends that had met you before - AND - 2. if you should sign the e-mail "with warmest regards". And now I just heard you tell the secretary how you'd like to stay in contact with your ex's mother.

Just to recap: She wants to break up with you, and so in response you attempt to integrate yourself even tighter into her existence. If she loves me, I hold onto her, if she despises me I hold on even tighter?

If all this wasn't enough to get us to the top of Mt. Ridiculous, you strap on a rocket booster and ignite it with the following statement, "she says she wants someone she deserves - I wonder does she think she's better than me?"

Based on what you've just said - yes... I believe she thinks it, and moreover I believe she's assessed the situation correctly. You are a lunatic. Oh one might question her decision making methodology (after all, we're having this conversation because at some point she believed it was a good idea to get involved with you - and I think we can all agree that was not a banner moment for her) - but she at least does not compound the error by wallowing in it...

You're inability to take "no" for an answer isn't just scary, it's stalk-erific. If she doesn't have a restraining order out against you by nightfall, I will file it for her. Yes, she has exhibited questionable judgement, but you are the one that I suspect, will be filling a subscription for Zoloft (or some other behavior modifying drug) in the near future. I say this because you are a lunatic.

Again, I know breaking up sucks, and if you had to split, at least you would want to be the one ending the relationship but - what can I say - you don't always get to be on the trigger end of the shotgun... sometimes you get the barrell end.