Award Tour Vol. 53: Bent Out of Shape

I once had an e-mail exchange that went a little something like this:




-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Tuesday, May 30, 2006 3:57 PM
Subject: FW: ExTReMe....
-----Original Message-----
Subject: ExTReMe....

I'm going to bypass all of the OBVIOUS problems with this story...
My question is THIS: Is this the BEST outfit she could be wearing for all eternity? I'm just sayin'...

>Dead Wife As a Coffee Table
>
>
>
>Jeff Green is a 32-year-old American living in Arizona. Jeff's
beloved
>wife recently died, causing Jeff to suffered great pain.
Consequently,
>he did something quite unusual. He said, "I could no longer take the
>pain that my wife's death caused me, so I brought her back home."
This
>is where Jeff's story has a twist. His wife Lucy had been born with a
>heart condition that cut off her life at the young age of 29. Her
last
>words to Jeff had been, "We will meet again in heaven." But These
>words were insufficient to alleviate Jeff's despair.
>
>At the funeral, in desperation, Jeff decided that he could not let
Lucy
>leave him. "I called the cemetery caretaker and explained my
feelings.
>I spoke with the authorities and got special permission to take my
wife
>home with me. They thought it was strange, but I'd rather have her at
>home than 6 feet underground. Lucy had a great sense of humour and
I'm
>sure she would appreciate being my coffee table." Jeff ordered a
>special glass case that eliminates decomposition of the dead body.
"It
>cost me about $6,000.00, but it was worth it."
>
>Some of his friends and relatives have stopped visiting Jeff but his
>true friends respect his decision and continue. Some even comment
that
>it is a "nice piece of furniture".
>
>________________________________


-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, May 30, 2006 4:00 PM
To: Her
Subject: RE: ExTReMe....

Ordinarily, I would turn something like this into a blog entry... But I just don't have the heart to do it. That is wrong... That... it just makes me sad. I think I need to be alone now and reflect on my place in the universe.


-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Tuesday, May 30, 2006 4:53 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: ExTReMe....

LOL...so dramatic.Did you check out that ole boy had a PABST sitting over her boob?!?!!?


-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, May 30, 2006 6:29 PM
To: Her
Subject: RE: ExTReMe....

Yes of course...

Why limit your demonstration of poor decision making skills to a mere glass coffin featuring your dead wife doubling as a coffee table...? Why stop there? I say... go for the gold. Fire up the flux capacitator and take a trip in your time machine, back to when Pabst Blue Ribbon was actually cool, and when you go take a friend with you (mullet hair cut optional)...

... Why? Well because friends don't let friends drink Pabst blue ribbon on a glass coffin with your dead wife alone - no - a friend is there for you in your time of sorrow and need. (Oh and by the way, while your back in the year 198something, could you pick me up an Atari, some parachute pants, and a pair of metal roller skates that spark when you use them in the street? That would be def... Thanks).

P.S. If you insist on responding and/or forcing me to take notice of additional details of a photo that I so desperately want to forget - I will turn this entire e-mail exchange into a blog entry - word for word (changing only your name and deleting your e-mail address). Honestly, I don't think you want me to do that. Not when you've developed something of an internet presence with the masses that visit my blog. Everyone who comes by seems to like the material you supply. However, if I post this and give you credit as the source - much like an amateur singer hitting a sour note during Showtime at the Apollo, I think the crowd will turn on you. And once you lose 'em, let me tell you - it will be pretty darn hard to get all four of them back on your good side. :)

P.P.S. Remember what I said about holding back on turning this e-mail exchange into a blog entry as long as you didn't respond... nevermind.

P.P.P.S. To the masses (all 5 of you) this is apparently an urban legend

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/gruesome/lucy.htm

So don't get bent out of shape over this entry...