Award Tour Vol. 57: Things IV

What else annoys me? These things...

*******The lady who is using the Automatic Ticketing Booth at the movie theatre for the first time

ANALYSIS
You're having a hard time inserting your credit card the right way... there's really only two ways to do it - but you know what? It confuses alot of people. It's a rookie mistake and I'm willing to overlook it but I'm late for my movie - and I can't afford to be penalized any more time while you try to figure out the "Mysteries of the Card Swipe".

If nothing else you should have your personal logistics together. You should know how many people are in your party, how many are adults and how many are children - this is very straight forward concept that should not require a tutorial that you clearly need (rookie or not). You cannot expect me to be understanding as the clock ticks away, and you stand there asking outloud, "What time does the 8:50 show start?" (Think about it - and yes, this really happened).

*******The Cyclops

ANALYSIS
Oh you've seen this driver type before. He's the guy (and you will almost always find him driving behind you) who only has one working headlight, and so to compensate, he turns that one light from the "On" position up to "Thermo-Nuclear". Mr. Cyclops - has it ever crossed your mind that, rather than burning out the retinas of everyone in front of you, that you could just fix your other head light? The lamps are relatively inexpensive and you could do it yourself.
We would all be thankful if you did because the alternative is unacceptable. I go on the record as being against you and your guiding light - and not just because you're driving behind me and making it difficult to drive (that's only part of it). That one light is so bright, if I turned my headlights off right now, I could still see in front of me. Any device putting out that kind of "foot-candles" has no business on the roads. You want to find a place to use that - think "Bat Signal".

*******The movie ruiner

ANALYSIS
Look - maybe this is your second time seeing this movie - but it's my first. Nobody gave away the punch lines of the movies when you watched it the first time... why are you doing it to me? Is it so much to ask that you let the characters in the movie say the lines themselves? Afterall, I paid money to hear them, not you.

*******The perpetual text messenger

ANALYSIS
This is a movie theatre - not a DVD. You won't be able to rewind the parts you missed because you are unable to resist responding to your most recent text message. I don't mind you missing the movie because you're distracted - I do mind the halogen powered backlight on your phone that is shining a beam of blue light in my face as you gleefully type in your response - now you're distracting me (and people 5 seats behind me) .

*******The thief who isn't even smart

ANALYSIS
I once asked a guy who works at a gym, for help locating my lost my skull cap. I thought I had misplaced while at the gym so he directed me to the "Lost and Found" area but didn't seem to think I would find it. "Why", I asked. He responded, "Man, people around here are trifiling - they will steal anything". He proceeds to tell me that someone once stole a shirt of his...

... after he had just worked out in it. Here's the kicker - the person that stole it, then came back to the gym wearing the shirt the next week - like he wouldn't run into the original owner (who as I said, WORKED in the gym). How stupid do you have to be? A brain trust of this caliber should be just dumb enough to figure out how to choke to death on air and it would not surprise me at all if they robbed a bank, and returned later on to deposit the money in their own account...

...to the same bank
...with the same money
...taken out of the same bag
...wearing the same clothes
...on the same day that he robbed them. Matter of fact, a fool like this probably wouldn't even leave the bank... they'd demand that the teller put the money in the bag, and then fill out a deposit slip to put the money right back it into their account. Idiots.

*******Campbell's Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup

ANALYSIS
Look I've taken some courses in industrial engineering - I know some of the challenges you face in keeping a production line up and running. I also took a few courses in statistics, and understand that each can of soup I buy is not going to have the exact same distrubution of noodles and chicken...

...but screw engineering, and f*#$ your statistics when I open my can of soup and I have 3 and half pieces of chicken total. You all must have lost your minds. 3 and 1/2 pieces...? You think I endured 15 minutes in that line at Wal-Mart for 3 and 1/2 pieces of chicken? There are plenty of noodles in the can, I see you didn't have any problems distributing that - where the f*#$ is my chicken? I tell you what, let me open another can of soup that has 3 and 1/2 pieces of chicken and I'm flying to corporate and I'm whooping somebody's a$$. I'm not playing. I mean right there at your desk, while you're checking your e-mail... BEAT DOWN. It's Chicken Noodle soup. Chicken THEN noodle. Not Noodle soup with Chicken making a "special guest appearance". You got exactly one more can to get this right... specifically the next can I buy. Don't have me in your office whooping your a$$ with your phone. Gimme mines.

Award Tour Vol. 56: The Barrell End

Breaking up is a hard thing to do. It sucks, but it happens. Most of us pick up the pieces and move on. It's the normal thing to do - especially if you're a man.

So imagine my surprise when, while sitting at my desk at work, I hear a male co-worker talking to the secretary and waxing on about a break up with all the masculinity of a jilted Las Vegas show girl doing a Taxi Cab confession while high on X. Despite my best efforts not to, I listened as he sat over there pouring out his heart; each word he putting him further in touch with his feminie side (and simultaneously, further out of touch with reality) to the point where, I expect at any moment to overhear him saying, "hey, am I... am I actually lactating?"

The following is an open-letter addressed to you (my blubbering co-worker) in hopes that you "Man Up" and sound off like you have a pair.

Mr. Co worker,

Considering you do very little meaningful here at work, it is disheartening to learn that you are equally inept when it comes to your social life. While I could have predicted as much, I think I was better off not knowing for certain. Lying to myself was part of what got me through the day.

I had convinced myself that somehow you weren't just a gruesome layer of sagging skin draped over misery - but that you were actually a person - a living breathing person.

I tried to develop some sense of respect for you - even though, you repeatedly demonstrated that my efforts were unjustified. Now that I know you are estranged from "success" in every venue possible I am left with only one human emotion left to give you... pity - and this token will not get you much mileage -

- Not when it comes on the heels of your treachery dealing with the secretary at the front desk. Yes, I heard you manipulate her into listening to your mournful diatribe. On some level I have to admire it for the "Jedi Mind Trick" that it was - but in the grand scheme of things it was under-handed.

You know the secretary is starved for social interaction. You deliberately went over to her dangling the "bait" of casual conversation and she, thinking you sincere, engaged you.

Once you had her sufficiently entangled and trapped, then you started your "dirge" (except without the music). Did you even ask her first if she wanted to play "Psychotherapist" to your "Psycho"? Did you even give her the option? Even "mother nature" gives the prey on the Serengeti a fighting chance against the predators... did you?

I tried, to block out your emotional ejaculation - but the volume on my headphones would only go so loud. I almost feel like I've lost some of my masculinity for having heard it (on an aside I personally would like to commend you on being able to say so much, without stopping to take a breath - I thought it was tactical mistake on your part, but you didn't pass out as I anticipated - physiologically speaking, you probably should have).

That all said, because I was unable to completely drown out your monologue, I heard enough key phrases to discern that, if your lady friend didn't have a legitimate reason to break up with you before, she does now. You are a lunatic.

Consider if you will:

You are asking the secretary (who doesn't really know you or the lady that you're talking about) if 1. you should send your ex an e-mail asking her to say hello to her friends that had met you before - AND - 2. if you should sign the e-mail "with warmest regards". And now I just heard you tell the secretary how you'd like to stay in contact with your ex's mother.

Just to recap: She wants to break up with you, and so in response you attempt to integrate yourself even tighter into her existence. If she loves me, I hold onto her, if she despises me I hold on even tighter?

If all this wasn't enough to get us to the top of Mt. Ridiculous, you strap on a rocket booster and ignite it with the following statement, "she says she wants someone she deserves - I wonder does she think she's better than me?"

Based on what you've just said - yes... I believe she thinks it, and moreover I believe she's assessed the situation correctly. You are a lunatic. Oh one might question her decision making methodology (after all, we're having this conversation because at some point she believed it was a good idea to get involved with you - and I think we can all agree that was not a banner moment for her) - but she at least does not compound the error by wallowing in it...

You're inability to take "no" for an answer isn't just scary, it's stalk-erific. If she doesn't have a restraining order out against you by nightfall, I will file it for her. Yes, she has exhibited questionable judgement, but you are the one that I suspect, will be filling a subscription for Zoloft (or some other behavior modifying drug) in the near future. I say this because you are a lunatic.

Again, I know breaking up sucks, and if you had to split, at least you would want to be the one ending the relationship but - what can I say - you don't always get to be on the trigger end of the shotgun... sometimes you get the barrell end.

Award Tour Vol. 55: The National Anthem

0:00
The singer, an officer of the law, steps up the podium - he appears briefly composed...

...that's all about to change

0:03
A scant 3 seconds into the Star Spangled Banner - we note (with trepidation) that our crooner has not not yet decided in which key he'll sing the song. Bucking conventional wisdom, it seems he'll try out a few of them before he picks one. We also note (with a mixture of suppresed laughter and abject horror) that he appears to be having trouble remembering what comes after "Oh say can you see" - evidenced by one of several glances down at his "crib sheet".

0:05
We (and by we, I mean those of us who are sane) listen to crooner flatly belt out the word "dawn" as though it was actually spelled "d-o-a-n" and wonder - if english is a language that this mans speaks at all?

0:10
We are now able to confirm that the "crib sheet" upon which our hero was relying so heavily has been compromised. It was apparently filled with an incoherent string of unrelated verbage that will not in any way deter our hero from singing them out as printed.

0:12
Didn't like the way the original National Anthem was written? No problem... rewrite it as you go along. You too can suspend your disbelief - and decide that "What so proudly we hailed" does sort of sound like "What so haaaaally faaalaay" - if you say it fast enough and the people around aren't paying attention (of course, however, in this video, they ARE paying attention).

0:16
"At the last gleaming full bright" His words not mine. If you can make sense of it - that's a problem. You probably share a similar cognitive disorder as this singer and need to seek help.

0:21
The wheels have fallen off completely at this point. Through the magic of video editing they manage to cut-a-way from the singer momentarily - to another officer sitting in the crowd. He sits stoic. It is difficult to tell what's going on in his mind. Is he stifiling laughter, or is he murdering the soloist with a pick axe in accordance with what "the voices" told him? Conceptually, I think we can all sympathize. I mean, do we really think this guy served 2 tours of duty in Vietnam fragging communists in the name of the American way - just so this man could stand before us and butcher the National Anthem with impunity? No I don't think so. The more I think about it, the more I think "pick axe".

0:30
The massacre continues. Though we cannot see it, we surmise that the singer has given up all hope on his "crib sheet" saving him and resorts to just making up words and phrases as he sees fit. Another officer in the crowd is shown, trying his best to maintain the dignity that the singer will not likewise show to himself and the anthem. Officially, the carnage is halfway over.

0:44-0:49
"proof to the night... that the star was still there". Sure the star was still there... but something's not quite right about all this. What's wrong with this phrase? Apparently nothing if you forget the fact that you're singing the National Anthem... but I repeat myself.

0:53
It seems that one musical key, simply will not due. Our crooner seems content to perform all along the extremes of the Treble Clef; exploring the keys one by one to see what works best for talents and abilities.

0:57
Remix history has been made. It seems the Star Spangled Banner yet waves o'er "the land of the brave, and the home of the free". And while we know those aren't the words to the song - you have to admit - even in reverse it's still true.

Ironically the video ends with another officer coming to the podium asking the crowd "to join him in prayer".

The National Anthem as it's never been (nor should be) sung.
http://www.thatvideosite.com/view/2564.html

Award Tour Vol. 54: Out of Place

What's wrong with these pictures?

It's obvious isn't it...

...they're setting up for an outdoor event when it is clearly overcast outside. The rain could come at any minute and they're trying to grill. Poor judgement on their parts.


What?


You saw something else out of place?