Award Tour Vol. 53: Bent Out of Shape

I once had an e-mail exchange that went a little something like this:




-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Tuesday, May 30, 2006 3:57 PM
Subject: FW: ExTReMe....
-----Original Message-----
Subject: ExTReMe....

I'm going to bypass all of the OBVIOUS problems with this story...
My question is THIS: Is this the BEST outfit she could be wearing for all eternity? I'm just sayin'...

>Dead Wife As a Coffee Table
>
>
>
>Jeff Green is a 32-year-old American living in Arizona. Jeff's
beloved
>wife recently died, causing Jeff to suffered great pain.
Consequently,
>he did something quite unusual. He said, "I could no longer take the
>pain that my wife's death caused me, so I brought her back home."
This
>is where Jeff's story has a twist. His wife Lucy had been born with a
>heart condition that cut off her life at the young age of 29. Her
last
>words to Jeff had been, "We will meet again in heaven." But These
>words were insufficient to alleviate Jeff's despair.
>
>At the funeral, in desperation, Jeff decided that he could not let
Lucy
>leave him. "I called the cemetery caretaker and explained my
feelings.
>I spoke with the authorities and got special permission to take my
wife
>home with me. They thought it was strange, but I'd rather have her at
>home than 6 feet underground. Lucy had a great sense of humour and
I'm
>sure she would appreciate being my coffee table." Jeff ordered a
>special glass case that eliminates decomposition of the dead body.
"It
>cost me about $6,000.00, but it was worth it."
>
>Some of his friends and relatives have stopped visiting Jeff but his
>true friends respect his decision and continue. Some even comment
that
>it is a "nice piece of furniture".
>
>________________________________


-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, May 30, 2006 4:00 PM
To: Her
Subject: RE: ExTReMe....

Ordinarily, I would turn something like this into a blog entry... But I just don't have the heart to do it. That is wrong... That... it just makes me sad. I think I need to be alone now and reflect on my place in the universe.


-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Tuesday, May 30, 2006 4:53 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: ExTReMe....

LOL...so dramatic.Did you check out that ole boy had a PABST sitting over her boob?!?!!?


-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, May 30, 2006 6:29 PM
To: Her
Subject: RE: ExTReMe....

Yes of course...

Why limit your demonstration of poor decision making skills to a mere glass coffin featuring your dead wife doubling as a coffee table...? Why stop there? I say... go for the gold. Fire up the flux capacitator and take a trip in your time machine, back to when Pabst Blue Ribbon was actually cool, and when you go take a friend with you (mullet hair cut optional)...

... Why? Well because friends don't let friends drink Pabst blue ribbon on a glass coffin with your dead wife alone - no - a friend is there for you in your time of sorrow and need. (Oh and by the way, while your back in the year 198something, could you pick me up an Atari, some parachute pants, and a pair of metal roller skates that spark when you use them in the street? That would be def... Thanks).

P.S. If you insist on responding and/or forcing me to take notice of additional details of a photo that I so desperately want to forget - I will turn this entire e-mail exchange into a blog entry - word for word (changing only your name and deleting your e-mail address). Honestly, I don't think you want me to do that. Not when you've developed something of an internet presence with the masses that visit my blog. Everyone who comes by seems to like the material you supply. However, if I post this and give you credit as the source - much like an amateur singer hitting a sour note during Showtime at the Apollo, I think the crowd will turn on you. And once you lose 'em, let me tell you - it will be pretty darn hard to get all four of them back on your good side. :)

P.P.S. Remember what I said about holding back on turning this e-mail exchange into a blog entry as long as you didn't respond... nevermind.

P.P.P.S. To the masses (all 5 of you) this is apparently an urban legend

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/gruesome/lucy.htm

So don't get bent out of shape over this entry...

Award Tour Vol. 52: Decision Matrix

Flash back a few years...

It's Christmas time again. I am planning to drive home from Atlanta. Because it's a long drive, and I hate traffic, I am planning to leave in the wee hours of the morning - this is nothing new or extraordinary; it is standard operating procedure.

I had recently broken my leg, and was still getting around with the aid of crutches but it's not a debilitating circumstance. I can do everything that I could do before I hurt myself - I just can't walk so well - and I'm driving home, not walking home so no big deal.

So imagine my surprise, when I was packing up my things to leave, and my roomate at the time Jalen asked, "Aye, yo man - you sure you want to leave out right now?"

With a puzzled look on my face, I pause and think for a second - Is this a trick question? Don't I want to leave right now?

I reply, "Yeah, why not... is it snowing outside?" Jalen hunched his shoulder and sauntered off lazily and said, "alright man" - the pitch and tone of his farewell being quite ominous. To this day, I think if I had captured his words on a tape recorder and played it backwards it would have said "you're asking for it" in a slurred, mystical, whispering voice.

What was that all about? Does he know something I don't? Is a Gang War scheduled to erupt on the northbound lanes of I-85 tonight? Has the Mongolian Horde been spotted on Doppler Radar headed this way? Why shouldn't I leave?

Hmmmm. Maybe it's not such a good idea to get on the road in the dead of the night - afterall, I am on crutches. At this point I remind myself, "yeah, but you're not walking home, you're driving home". That's compelling logic.

And that settles it. I ignore his cautionary tone and pack up my car to leave - since when does good advice and pertinent warnings influence my decision matrix?

I get on the road, and as planned, there is little traffic. I will make the best time during these first few hours - since there are few State Patrollers out here. So I punch it; running about
eighty...
uh...
well...

...running slighly above the speed limit. About 45 minutes into my trip (when I am well outside even the friendly glow of the lights of Atlanta) I spot something lying in the middle of the road.

It's a deer - at least what remains of it. It's no longer shaped like a deer, but the mass of flesh is consistent with what you'd expect from that kind of road kill. No doubt, it had been ploughed by an 18 wheeler and subsequently dismembered and mashed into ever thinner and wider pieces of Deer shrapnel on the dark cold asphalt with each passing car. I would have like to have avoided it, but traveling at speeds of eighty...
uh...
well...

...slightly above the speed limit - it wasn't possible. It seems I will be contributing a brush stroke to this macabre street mural - trailing the deer blood and carcass miles up the interstate.

BAM!!!
Bumpity - Bumpity - Bumpity - Bumpity - Bumpity - Bumpity

I stand corrected. Seems I will not be smearing venison on the interstate very far at all. While the deer carcass has been pummelled by passing cars for quite some time, it seems that I am the first passer-by to actually address it's antlers - and in that all too frequent battle between steel belted radials and antlers - the bones won - much to my detriment.

The car begin to wobble and pull to the left (the front left tire was the one that hit the antler). I pull off on the side of the road, it's 3 a.m. - I'm an hour outside of Atlanta in a virtual no-man's land with no cellphone, no one looking for me, and only one good leg to stand on...

"Aye, yo man - you sure you want to leave out right now?"

I ignore the "Ghost of Jalen Past". I don't need this right now - the flat tire is "I told you so" enough. I gotta try to get back on track. I proceed to look for the spare tire. Before I can do this, I have to unload everything in the trunk of my car - and remember - I was going home for Christmas, so it was jam packed. I had spent almost half an hour finding the optimal configuration to fit everything in... now I had to unload it all (and remember how I unloaded it all) - so I could put it all back.

When I finally burrowed down deep enough to get into the trunk, I find that I don't have a spare at all... all I have is a doughnut - the small sickly looking tire that barely looks like it can stand up under it's own weight, let alone that of your car (and your entire Christmas ensemble). It's designed to take up a minimum of space in your trunk, and to give you just enough mileage to get back to civilization - you won't look sexy doing it - but you'll make it back.

So I grab the jack, lift the car up part of the way, grab what was meant to be a lugnut wrench and attempt to loosen the lugnuts. But they are on tight. This should have been a reassuring thing.

The Service Department of the Ford Dealership in Atlanta rarely did anything right when working on my car. It seemed they had me as a perpetual customer because while they were fixing the problem I was bringing in, they were simultaneous screwing up a functioning part of my car and setting the stage for my next visit. If this was an ordinary situation, and I needed them to have really secured my tires to my car, I would expect them to do something ridiculous like trying to Duct Tape them on so that the first time I made a turn, all the wheels rolled off in separate directions. But today is different. Today I need for the lug nuts to be loose and so naturally, they are sealed tighter than Grant's tomb. My car could take a direct hit from a stinger missle, and I think the tires would stay on the axle.

Nuts and bolts are all about torque - both for putting them together and taking them apart. And with the short-handled "Junior-Associate Edition" lugnut wrench that I'm using - I can't generate enough torque to beat a Middle School Cheerleader in an arm wrestling contest.

"Aye, yo man - you sure you want to leave out right now?"

Shut up "Ghost of Jalen past". Conceding defeat, I put the doughnut and the jack back into the trunk and begin to reassemble my bags and boxes into the remaining trunk space - like the Tetris puzzle it was. It's too dark to even know where I am so I get back in my car, turn on my hazzard lights (in hopes that no truck passing by smashes into me) and I go to sleep.

I wake up early in the morning around 6 or 7 and decide there's enough sunlight for me to hobble my way to the nearest exit. I get out of the car, grab a crutch and start heading south.

[Break]
The crutch was as much for my stability as it was a "Pity" card... yeah that's right. I played the "Pity" card. I'm not ashamed. I had a bad leg, and it was cold. I needed some empathy... you would have played it too.
[unbreak]

Though it's Christmas season and the time for giving, you wouldn't have known it as cars zoomed past me without so much as slowing down and considering to offer me a ride. Why should they? It's only the day we commemorate Jesus' birth, and a bitter 20 or so degrees Farenheit outside - no big deal. Finally when I get about a thousand feet down the road, an Asian couple stops and offers me a ride (God bless you two whoever you are, and wherever you may be).

They drop me off at a gas station where I call AAA. After giving them my Membership # they say they'll be there in about 30 minutes. Hmmmmmmm... that's going to be a problem - it's going to take longer than 30 minutes for me to get back to my car. I better find a short cut. So instead of just following the exit sign down the clear path back to the interstate (the reasonable thing to do), I tried to forge a short cut behind the strip mall...

...where no short cut usually ever exists. My laborious task of cructching through the boxes, dumpsters, and dead weeds littering the landscape behind the strip mall was rewarded with the discovery of a perimeter that was fenced in...

... entirely fenced in. For a man with only one good leg this is as effective as a force field - I have no way to overcome this. So I waste even more time, crutching back to where I was before to get to the exit.

"Aye, yo man - you sure you want to leave out right now?"

Will the "Ghost of Jalen past" ever be quiet? Because I have wasted so much time with my "short cut" now I have to hustle even harder to get back to my car. I crutch myself furiously towards my car. Cars zoom by once again but eventually a guy stops and offers me a ride (God bless you also). Turns out he WAS actually a Christian and offered me a ride to my car for no other reason than that.

I get back to the car just minutes before the AAA truck. I empty the trunk again, pull out the doughnut, and the AAA guy jacks the car up and takes off the lug nuts with his own lug nut wrench (which was shaped like a cross so that you could produce real torque). He quickly got the doughnut on, had me sign some paper work and I was ready to go.

Could it all be so simple? No. (Afterall, it's me telling the story - if it was that easy, you'd be disappointed). I get into my car, and attempt to start the engine, but it won't turnover. Not even a little, because I left my parking lights on all night and the battery died.

"Aye, yo man - you sure y-" SHUT UP!!!

Thankfully the AAA guy waited to see if everything was alright before he drove off. He gave me a jump, I rev the engine, and I drive off - at very low speeds. It's been 6 hours and I'm still in Georiga, and not only that, but now I'm headed back TOWARDS Atlanta instead of home. When I arrive at the house - Jalen at least acts like he's surprised to see me.

Jalen: Aye yo man, I thought you left out to go home?
Me: I did, I got a flat
Jalen: Oh wow man - everything alright
Me: Oh yeah man everything's cool - I just had to sleep in my car and wait for the AAA man
Jalen: You slept in the car
Me: Yep. But it's all good, I got a new tire and so I'm ready to roll
Jalen (with incredulous look on his face): You're going to leave right now to go home? Isn't it an 11 hour drive?
Me: Yeah, give or take.
Jalen: It still doesn't seem like a bad idea?

I guess he thought I would need rest, or be a bit disuaded from leaving given the ordeal I've just been through... but like I said, since when does good advice and pertinent warnings influence my decision matrix?

Award Tour Vol. 51: Don't Let It Be

Slow week... not much material... don't complain... I had to scrape just to get this. Brought to you by courtesy of hotghettomess.com



I don't think anyone could have anticipated that things would go so badly for Mr. T after Rocky III. But I'm told crack does have hallucinogenic properties.



Well then - that settles it... for all you who were wondering... yes... heaven's got a ghetto...

...and a limo driver too it would seem.




Don't laugh too hard... he could still do a drive-by in it.



So what I'm wondering is, was this photo taken before or after the woman is shot with a tranquilizer dart... if you think about it - it could be either one. (NOTE: I can't say that she was or wasn't shot with any darts, it would just help to explain a lot of things...).




No matter how many times I see a gown with a belly cut out of it for a pregnant woman... I always expect that last one to be the final sign ushering in the Apocalypse...

...but it never is.



I think you almost have to file this one under know when to say 'when'.




I hope the photo of 'Toine the Lion King (in color) simply bears an eerie resemblance to Alexander O'Neal (in black and white) and that in truth, they are not the same person (please don't let it be Alexander O'Neal).

Award Tour Vol. 50: Look Into It

While I would never actually date her (let alone marry her) I think Star Jones was once cute in a robust-Chunky-Prago-not-so-attractive-but-not-repulsive-way (assuming that such a thing were possible)...



but that was all before the failed experiment in high-speed weight loss. And let's keep in mind that's just my opinion - Al Reynolds is the one who has to sleep with her at night... (yeah right)*.

*I don't suppose I'll be hearing the same chorus of protests that I heard when I implied that Tyson Beckford was gay - now that I'm suggesting that Al Reynolds is as gay as a pink satin fanny pack filled with glitter covered rainbows - I'm betting I won't hear anything. There's a bit of hypocrisy in that don't you think? Anyway.

If Star Jones wanted to lose weight - that's her prerogative - it's her body. I'm just saying that everything is not for everybody. And on this one, she can't just change her mind. She can't hit the switch on the "Way Back" machine or eat her way back into that roly-poly "cute-in-the-face" status she once held (even if only tenuously). She's stuck with what she has now - and it's a frightening image. She looks like what a "Bobble Head" Star Jones might look like, if a fairy godmother suddenly appeared - waved a magic wand, and gave that Bobble Head "life" and "scurvy" at the same time - it is not a good look.

I also think that Star might do well to discontinue her claim that she didn't have gastric bypass surgery. The only other "procedure" that I'm aware of that allows you to lose weight as rapidly as this is a lil' ole' thing we like to call "Smoking Crack". And while, it would not take much to convince me that this is what she actually did - the "exit wound" in her chest tells most of us what we already knew.




That she has repeatedly denied rumors that she's had the procedure done should amuse you and simultaneously insult your intelligence - especially given the picture above. It was either gastric bypass surgery - or there is a baby alien scurrying loose somewhere in the sewers of New York freshly hatched from her chest. By the way Star, they have this stuff called Cocoa butter - it helps to blend away scars - seriously - look into it.

Award Tour Vol. 49: Moonlight

I once wrote a blog about Steven Spielberg's interpretation of "War of the Worlds". Recently, I was prodded by a friend, to more closely examine the flaws in the movie (many of which I initially overlooked). For those who have already seen the movie - read on. For those who haven't but plan to - it's at Blockbuster now - stop reading here.

Some residual issues I have with "War of the Worlds"

1. Hmmmmm... early on in the movie we learned that power has been knocked out to everything electric in the area - cars, watches, lights - everything. The loss of power is a central part of the entire story. So when the Alien machines (the Killer Tripods) began to emerge from the earth and we see a curious on-looker (a man) videotaping the whole thing, I am left with one burning question...

...how is this possible when everything electric no longer works?

2. Maybe by some chance a lot of people stick around to see the Killer Tripod stand completely up right
(I wouldn't... but perhaps some would).
After it sounded it's alarm, which I am heretofore calling the "Tuba of Death", maybe even then people stay around
(I wouldn't... but perhaps some would).

After years of movies portraying aliens as benevolent and hyper-intelligent beings who only wanted to help mankind, maybe they thought this was something out of "Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind". Maybe they thought the aliens were trying to communicate.

As I think back on some of these old movies, I remember that many of them depicted peaceful exchanges between man and alien. Some aliens came offering friendship (E.T.), some offered adventure (The Last Starfighter), some offered healing (Coccon), one even offered a champion (Superman). If memory serves me correctly, none of the offerings required any sustained build up of Atom-smashing energy (as the Killer Tripods are currently doing now that they have emerged). Sure we'd like to believe that all aliens are of the "E.T." variety that mean us no harm - but when they enter our atomsphere... let's be honest - it's a crap shoot. Sometimes you get "Lilo and Stitch" - sometimes you get "Independence Day".

And so what am I suggesting? I'm suggesting that perhaps, just perhaps, the Killer Tripods have something different in mind than "peaceful coexistence with mankind". Maybe those tentacles that look like gun fixtures, actually ARE gun fixtures. Maybe they are glowing ever brighter with strange alien energy because they are about to fire. In truth, I can't be sure about any of this - but to be on the safe side - how about we run first and ask questions after we're a safe distance away? Can you get on board with that?

3. Dodgeball 101: If you run a straight line... you will get hit - probably hard. Zigging and zagging isn't just for show - it's for survival. If you won't do it - you are going to pay the price. No one in their right mind wants to get smacked in the face with a dodge ball thrown so hard, that it curves in it's flight path and "hums" as it cuts through the air towards you. But if you run a straight line - there's a good chance it'll happen - right in the face.

Fortunately in the game of Dodgeball, if you get hit - the worst that happens is you're out until the next game. Of course... this is War of the Worlds, and the stakes are a little bit higher now aren't they? If you get hit here - you're also out...

...of the game called life...

...forever.

This should come as no surprise since they are throwing highly charged beams of energy in place of a red rubber Voit Dodgeball (guess those tentacles were gun fixtures after all). My guess is that the compact beam of energy probably hurts more than the Voit when it hits you - but that's neither here nor there - the point is your life is on the line.

Since your life is on the line - I'm just guessing that we (as a panic stricken group of people) can probably come up with something a little more creative... a little more evasive than just an open ended 100 meter dash where we all run in straight lines down the street, making the Tripods task of eradicating humanity both simple and convenient. Maybe a left turn or a right turn here or there might be in order. (The Tripods seem to be fairly good at killing folks on their own - they probably don't need the additional help of you providing them with an easy target.)

4. Tom Cruise's character (Ray Ferrier) comes home shell-shocked - and sits there silently and catatonic - after witnessing the initial attack (see point #3 where people run in immaculately straight lines and are popped like super-heated corn kernels) . Mr. Ferrier... You have kids... And the Tripods are on the way... You know what they can do... Do you really have time for this moment of introspection?

5. The Killer Tripods were literally throwing cars down the street and ripping roofs off the buildings - this is something that people in Ray's neighborhood (a short distance away) can't see? They can't hear the wanton destruction going on right down the street when it is occuring on a Godzilla scale? Remember, Ray was on foot - he couldn't have gone that far. And the Tripods are huge (in one scene we watch one towering over trees) How do people in the nearby neighborhood miss all this? Shouldn't people already be running before Ray gets back?

6. Imagine this scenario. You're an auto repair mechanic. You've just been through an unprecedented and freakish storm with multiple lightning strikes that produce no thunder but knocks out power to everything...

...even to things that should still have power. You see a man who looks desperate sitting in a car that you just fixed, trying to get his family out of town with ALL due urgency. You object initially but he tells you if you don't get in the car with him that right then and there... You are going to die. Do you:

A) Scoff because this is clearly a joke
B) Scoff because this guy must be off his medication
C) Scoff because though a lot of weird things are happening, you certainly aren't going to die
D) Err on the side of caution, and consider the merits of his argument as you drive away WITH him out of the area

7. Characters with plausible behaviours are an important element to most movies - one gets the sense however that the writers for "War of the Worlds" decided that they could waive this constraint as they wrote dialogue and activity for the son, named Robbie.

Not only were most of his actions implausible, they were down right idiotic - and there is no character development that explains why. You can make a thinly veiled attempt to say, he feels estranged from his father (or feels he has no father figure to guide him) and in an attempt to psychologically exorcise these demons - he responds by trying to be a father figure to others around him. But this does not explain his death wish.

The first time he sees an Army column driving by, the soldiers wear somber faces - not at all unlike the faces of the soldiers in the movie "Glory" the night before they attempted to take Ft. Wagner. Their one common bond is the knowledge that they are all about to do something that will likely get them killed (in Glory it was the attempt to take Ft. Wagner, in the War of the Worlds, it was the attempt to hold the Tripods at bay - neither group was successful by the way). Yet Robbie insists on joining them... why?

Later on, the machines attack while Ray and Robbie are out in the field... Humvees are already riding around on fire. Helicopter Gunships are firing mutliple rounds of missles - and they aren't destroying anything. What does Robbie do? He refuses to leave saying, "I have to be here, I need to see this... You have to let me go".

You have to be here for what? What do you need to see? The ultimate and predicatable triumph of the Killer Tripods over United States Military? There is nothing you can do here that the trained professional Army hasn't already failed to do. You are an idiot.

8. When Ray makes the mistake of trying to drive to the Ferry (in an attempt to make his way to Boston), people start piling on his car and threatening both he and his childrenbodily harm if he doesn't let them ride, smashing windows and rocking the car. When he finally is forced to stop and his kids are being ripped from the car by the frenzied crowd trying to commandeer his vehicle, he pulls a gun. Order is briefly restored, at which point one of the members of the once roving mob says, "Calm down man - what's your problem?".

Are you serious?

Is this man part of the same group that was just violently attacking the car, trying to yank Ray's kids from it with no regard for their safety? You're asking Ray what HIS problem is? I'd say Ray's only problem is that his gun isn't an automatic and he doesn't have enough bullets to kill you all. Other than that, life is good.

9. When people are trying to board the Ferry, we see in the background, a Killer Tripod has snuck up on them. How? You didn't see the Tripod standing hundreds of feet in the air? You didn't hear it knocking down trees in the forrest as it clomped a path of death and destruction towards you?

10. Basement man (Harlan Olgivy) is, for all intents and purposes, sane when he agrees to take Ray and his daughter in to shelter them from the attack of the Killer Tripods. He's a bit shell shocked like everyone else - but he doesn't appear to be completely off his rocker - but then suddenly he goes insane because he witnesses one of the Tripods draining people of their blood. Really? This is the horror that put you over the top? Watching people being Atomized didn't do it. Seeing towns be blown apart was no big deal. Knowing that the best the Army had to offer has been swept away like so many crumbs off of a picnic table didn't move you.... But this is the image that causes your divorce from reality? Seriously?

11. The Aliens send a probe into the house to look for the people but is unable to locate anyone because they hide behind various objects. The immediate question that should come to mind to anyone half-way awake during this portion of the movie might be, "Is visible light the only part of the electromagnetic spectrum that the advanced aliens are aware of?" No Infra-red scanners. No thermal scanners. Hell even the Army that you just routed has that technology.

12. And now that I think about it... you have all this advanced technology, Interstellar travel, and advanced knowledge of Quantuum Mechanics evidenced by your shields and your Atomizers. You even demonstrate a mastery of biology and terraforming as you have spewn blood all over the place to grow your bio-matter - in the millions of years of planning this attack - you didn't think about or prepare for - germs? Really? Who dropped the ball on that one? Do you guys moonlight for FEMA?