Award Tour Vol. 42: Whichever Is Easiest

No one is in this much of a rush




No one's car needs a spoiler this bad




No one in this photo has a friend that owns an SUV




No one responsible is supervising these kids




No one expects you to do a complete sit-up (not even one, you might rupture a disk in your vertabrae - and what would become of your career in the porn industry then?)




No one would be standing this close to him if they knew he was about to do this.




No one should have to tell you that this isn't cute




No one loves you or considers you a friend if they let you do this to yourself (by the way Twiggy, I'm including YOU on that list of people who don't love you)




No one needed to see that... seriously




No one is going to be able to eat their lunch after this



No one is ever going to read this blog again because of the last photo alone. I'll be sorry to see you all go. Still I'm sure there's something better the 5 of you could have been doing with your time. For more misbegotten adventures into absurdity visit "hot ghetto mess". It's worth the trip - no matter how bad your life is screwed up, after visiting here you'll feel better about yourself...

...unless you find yourself featured on that website, in which case seek help (or a half gallon of Jack Daniels and a 2 liter of coke... whichever is easiest to get your hands on).

Award Tour Vol. 41: Things III

*******The Mobile Forensic Examiner

ANALYSIS
Also known as the Crime Scene Investigator, these are the drivers that will inch forward in the one lane that hasn't been closed down, in order to document the accident that has occured. They don't have any official standing whatsoever; they are not affiliated with the crime lab or law enforcement in any capacity - this will in no way hamper their investigation. They will note casulties, positions of the damaged vehicles, and even postulate as to how the accident may have happened and how it could have been prevented all I they creep by at 1/2 mph (that they lack a solid foundation in Newtonian Physics is of little consequence - they will form their theories nonetheless as they roll by). Lucky you, you get to sit behind them as they do.

*******The Throat Clearer

ANAYLSIS
We don't need to know you have phlegm in your throat, but by God you will make sure we do. Your antics can be heard clear across the room above the loudest copier, fax machine, and paper shredder. You hark long and deep, and by the time you're finished, if you actually spit out a lung - right there on the floor - I don't think many of us would be surprised. You had to shake a few internals loose with the last heave. You probably should spit out an organ.

*******The blatant and persistent bias of John Madden and others when it comes to critiquing football Quarterbacks

ANALYSIS
How many bad passes does Brett Favre have to throw before you admit that he has thrown one? Not long ago, I watched him launch a pass 4 feet behind the receiver to which you responded, "the receiver ran the wrong pattern. He was expecting him to break at a different time and angle".

???

The only angle he could have broken on to catch that pass was one that defied Physics (or maybe technology has passed me by... can any of you all levitate?)

Once I saw him throw a pass that, only through a valiant effort, was the receiver able to even get a few fingers on as he lept several feet in the air... Madden's response, "oh he should have had that one. He has to help his quarterback out".

???

Yeah perhaps next time he should engage in better preparation for the game, like making sure the area is clear of Krytponite, that way - when a pass is thrown to you that only Superman can catch - you'll be able to make the grab and haul it in. 7 feet of the ground is not that much to ask you to jump is it?

On another occasion I watched Favre throw an interception, into what appeared to be double coverage. Madden's response, "that Brett Favre, he has a cannon for an arm. And you know what's good about him? He thinks he can make every pass"

???

Mr. Madden that's what's BAD about him. He thinks he can make every pass... and no quarterback can. When they try to, and end up throwing an interception into double coverage - most refer to that as a bad decision and/or a bad throw. I won't go into the number of twisting, contorting, acrobatic catches his receivers have made, where you credited Favre more with the throw than the actual reception - I just ask that you call a bad throw a bad throw... even when it's Favre throwing them. Especially when he's throwing so many .

Editors' Note: on the non-existent chance that Brett Farve is reading this, let me advise him(strongly) to retire - you have a ring, and you're going to the hall of fame - you've got no place to go but down - and with each interception you throw, that's where you go - Madden has interned at Fox News long enough to continue to spin the truth in your favor.

*******The driver who insists on making his right turn at 5 mph coming off the highway

ANALYSIS
Nevermind that there's a merge lane in which you can slow down so the rest of us don't have to, you will still bring your car (and the 9 or 10 cars trapped behind you) to a virtual stop as you attempt the oh-so dangerous right turn into the Applebee's parking lot. Thankfully, you will also put on your blinker so if there was any question as to why you have just logged jammed the highway, we now know... it's because you're going to Applebee's. That was the responsible thing for you to do - because - let's be honest - how many widows has that right-turn made over the last year? How many young lives have been lost to this vicious silent killer over the years? What? Like [counts silently] ...

... none?

*******The person that goes into the express lane with more items than the express lane allows
ANALYSIS
Aye look... I know you can count. I can too. We both know damn well you have a lot more up there than you're supposed to. Why all of a sudden you want to get creative? Any other day, you would count each individual item - AS an individual item. Today you're on that NEW math. Let me help you out with that. Just because you have 5 packs of the same kind of hot dogs, that doesn't mean it counts as one item. I don't want to have to wait behind you, in the EXPRESS lane (emphasis on Express), as you try in futility to negotiate your item total with the cashier who refuses to ring you up. Guess what? He can count too.

*******The tepid driver

ANALYSIS
Or as my brother Tre called him, "Old Man Cream Corn". He's just a man out driving in a city near you. He means no harm, but will probably inflict it nonetheless. He's not so much a bad driver as he is completely out of his depth with this new "horseless carriage" thing. The phenomena of locomotion - overwhelms and frightens him - and so he will be slow to react to everything. Green lights, on coming cars, merge lanes. Everything. Chances are he fought in WWI - so cut him some slack.

Award Tour Vol. 40: Let Me Know

So a few Tuesdays ago I published an installment in the Award Tour Series called "And Really You Are". In this publication, I make a stunning accusation: that Tysbon Beckford - the face of Ralph Lauren Polo... is gay.

I admit it... I lied. It wasn't really a stunning accusation - it was 1 or 2 Paparazzi photo shoots away from being the absolute truth.

I can't imagine how this would come as a surprise to anyone who has heard one of the several hundred rumors floating around about his sexual orientation over the last 10 years. I could be wrong, but it just seems unlikely that anyone could claim to have been blind-sided by the Tyson allegations. Tyson being gay is like Global warming... you may not believe it's true (even when there's data to support the claims), but you HAVE heard of it.

Still, I recall the reason I wrote my original publication; it was prompted by someone asking me if Tyson and Foxy Brown (aka Inga Marchand) were a couple. I dismissed the rumor rather easily because Inga is a woman. I even went so far as to use some of the photos from the press conference where they were seen together as evidence, that they weren't together.

Exhibit A was the Tickle-Me-Elmo furry Bomber jacket that Tyson was wearing. If you had just crawled out from under a rock and didn't know anything about the world - didn't know what year it was, didn't know the State of the union, even if you didn't know about the human ability to communicate through spoken language... you could still look at the photos taken from Foxy and Tyson's press conference and make the reasonable guesstimation that Tyson was gay. You might have a hard time relaying that to anyone around you - but you would still have it.

I didn't receive any hate-mail over that original blog installment (mainly because, by and large, no one's reading this blog except for a few die-hards - I'd like to thank all 5 of you for that consequently) but I did get a few queries as to whether or not I was convinced that Tyson was gay.

So let's state the question one last time, "is Tyson Beckford gay?"

Below are photos alleged to have been taken at the Washington, D.C. club The Edge according to some sources, and yet other sources (namely the webpage What Would Tyler Durden Do) say the pictures were taken in a gay strip club somewhere in Atlanta. What matters here is not where the photos were taken, but THAT the photos were taken - see below.





I think this concludes the debate - if there's anything else that needs to be said on the topic let me know.

Award Tour Vol. 39: This Cannot Be Right

Often in life, we attempt to observe the adage, "Live and let live". In general, it's not a bad concept, but sometimes a man must draw a line in the sand and say, "this far and no further". I draw that line now. Anyone remotely associated with the promotion of the fight linked below has committed a crime against man and nature. I perused the video, and intially thought that this couldn't be video from an actual sanctioned fight - no - this must have been footage left on the "Cutting Room" floor for a training video for Bouncers entitled, "Know When to Say When: Dealing With the Drunken Red Neck in Your Bar".

As soon as the video begins, you can't help but to empathize with the rot-gut disgust that must be gripping the torsos of each and every patron that paid good money to see this.

Editor's Note: The first time I watched this video, I assumed from the display that the crowd must have been disappointed with what they saw. At the time, I didn't have audio - or a sense that the crowd was actually out of their collective minds. As the melee ensues, the crowd roars, not in protest, but in approval, confirming to me once and for all, that there is no hope for mankind. Their approval also dramatically increases the likelihood that the two combatants were actually randomly selected from the crowd to participate in this contest, but I digress... here's what you need to know:

Does the establishment give you a reputable fight with reputable fighters? Do they even give you a reasonable fascimille using local talent (talent being a word I cringe to use in reference to this sad presentation)? No, they give you Willie "Flap Jack" Jenkins out of Broken Still, Kentucky using the never before seen "Fiddler Crab" fighting style. He is promptly beat senseless by his foil James "Jimmy Dean" Johnson hailing from Corn Cob, Mississippi. (There's probably a reason why no one but Flap Jack uses the "Fiddler Crab" fighting style - apparently it doesn't even work well against a rudimentary Two-Fisted attack that you'd expect from your standard bar-room brawl. You are unable to conclude anything else when you watch Flap Jack establish a defensive Fiddler Crab mode against a conventional 1-2 punching style; the defense proves adept at channeling punches into his face, but regretablly not so effective at blocking them.)

Aside from the complete and utter void of fighting prowess put on display, we have our retinas and psyches singed simultaneously, as we watch two out of shape "Jethros" throw down on each other in what is meant to pass for Mixed Martial Arts - and even more laughably - entertainment - (Editor's Note: Ignore the rowdy energetic response from the crowd - they show almost an equally poor sense of judgment by cheering this on, as the two fighters in the ring). Neither Flap Jack nor Jimmy Dean have the deceny to break their non-dominant arms before the bout in acknowledgement that they cannot deliver on either count - Martial Artistry or Entertainment (Editor's Note: ignore the crowd). Instead, thinking only of themselves - Jimmy Dean and Flap Jack chose to do combat - each with no shirt on revealing a layer of stabilizing fat, and shock absorption fat respectively (probably the result of years of consumption of Crisco related products). Without truly knowing it's strategic value, I can only postulate that the stabilizing fat acted as a counter-balance to each punch thrown (and in Flap Jack's case, for each punch taken).
What you gaze upon in the ring ends up looking more like two man-sized Ziploc bags full of wet cake mix flailing at each other - this cannot be right.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2525485718783652774&q=fight